A Pilgrim's Friend

Robert Ordway retrieves an ancient danger in a modern device.

C. S. Lewis published The Screwtape Letters in 1942, during World War II, when men faced extreme adversity and hard times. The fictional book is about a senior demon, Screwtape, who writes instructional letters to his inexperienced nephew, Wormwood, detailing psychological tactics to tempt a human man away from God and into damnation. The layman believes the path to hell is through the sin of hardened behavior such as stealing and killing, but the devil knows ease is his preferred method of success. “Indeed,” the senior devil Screwtape advises his nephew Wormwood in the twelfth letter, “the safest road to Hell is the gradual one—the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

In the time of Lewis, Screwtape’s “gentle slope” strategy had to be improvised with the mediums of the day, including newspapers, radio, and idle conversation. Today, it has been optimally engineered, shrunken down, and placed in the pocket of nearly every man, woman, and child in the Western world. Reread the Letters with a smartphone on the desk beside you and the book looks more like a product roadmap.

Hell’s strategy, as Screwtape lays it out, runs along two tracks. The first bends the soul’s attention inward slowly until the self becomes the object of worship. The second dissipates attention outward into what Screwtape calls “Nothing.” It’s not pleasure, not even sin in any sense, but a drift toward aimlessness that consumes a life without anyone ever choosing it. The tracks seem like opposites, as one concentrates attention and the other scatters it. They share the same destination, however, because both accomplish the only thing Hell needs: keeping the soul from looking at God.

The smartphone is the first device in history that runs both tracks at once.

How does one avoid these two deadly paths of self-worship or aimless wandering? Ordway shows the way:

Attention is the raw material of worship, so in many ways, we become what we behold. The smartphone proposes two objects of beholding, the self and the void, and it will alternate between them indefinitely. The older and more rooted discipline proposes a third direction: outward, toward creation, neighbor, and God, on ground the Enemy of our enemy has held all along.

Which way will we go?

Jesus gave us the golden rule: do to others as you would have them do to you. In love, that sounds like, “Love others the way you want to be loved.” Good rule. I think we sometimes misread it, though. We hear “the way I want to be loved” and turn it into “however makes sense to me,” when the aim runs the other way, toward their good and not our own taste. Say you have a sweet tooth, so you bring someone pastries to show you care. Turns out they’re more of a savory person. When the gift falls flat, it’s easy to feel like you, not the gift, got rejected. Right heart, just the wrong gift for that specific person.

So we learn to pay attention to the person in front of us. But underneath what we give sits a quieter question most of us miss: in what order. Some people need to hear love before they can see it. Others need to see it before they can hear it. You can express your “I love you” in flawless acts of service and still watch it bounce clean off a friend, a kid, a spouse, and lie awake wondering what you did wrong. You can pour out a love poem from the deepest place in your heart and get back a stiff, uncomfortable “thank you,” not the overcome rejoicing you pictured, the kind you would have given for a poem like that. In those moments, I don’t think the problem is that we did something wrong. I think we loved in the wrong order.

Two Kinds of Beloved: Doers & Hearers

Everybody you will ever love is, way down at the bottom, asking one question before any of the others: “Is this someone I can trust?” Close relationships happen when both people can answer, “Yes.” People seem to come to that conclusion from two very different directions. Some need to first hear words that clearly say, “I love, respect, and value you” and then look for actions to prove it. Others look for actions that say, “I love, respect, and value you” and then have ears to hear and appreciate the words that confirm it. The first are drawn to trust by words confirmed by action. The second by actions confirmed by words. All people want to be loved in words and action, but receive them in different orders.

A familiar passage may help us to name these different folks. James 1:22 says, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” Here, James is speaking about the nature of true faith: it eagerly listens to God’s Word so it may act on it. All believers value both hearing and doing. You cannot have one without the other. In the same way, all people want to be loved in both word and action, but not all people’ receive love in the same order. Some people hear first and others see doing first. Hearers take words as the gift and actions as the wrapping. Doers take action as the gift and words as the wrapping. Both love to be loved, they just see it more clearly when offered when offered in their order. Same ingredients, opposite order.

Here is how these play out. If you give a doer a love letter before you’ve built any track record, it doesn’t feel like love, it feels either empty or like a debt they’ll have to pay off. Give a hearer a nice meal or a thoughtful act of service with no words attached and they’ll wonder, “Yeah, but do you love me?” Right love given in the wrong order won’t land. This is why many people feel they’re pouring themselves out and getting nothing back. It isn’t that they’re loving too little, but that they’re loving in the wrong sequence.

The Gift, Then the Wrapping

Practically, here’s the ticket: learn what your beloved receives as love and then confirm it. For a doer, get things handled for them before you say anything and then wrap it with short and honest words: “I took care of the laundry this morning, I know it was hanging over you.” No sermon or lavish love song needed. A doer doesn’t want to be spotlit. Putting it on them with your lavish, loving words can easily make them queasy. They want to be seen and loved first in deed and then given space to believe it. A hearer is the reverse. Lead with the sweet word or the gentle touch that communicates, “I see and value you,” then let your cleaning, meals, and logistical help prove you meant it. Once your words or touch have opened the door of a hearer’s heart, they can receive your actions and gifts as the love you hope they’ll see. I am sure you love your person, but the order you express that love will go a long way in them hearing it.

This shows up everywhere and in every relationship. There are friends who need to hear your love and friends who see it when you show up. The teenager who shrugs off “I love you” but notices when you arranged a night with them to watch their favorite sports team play. The coworker, the parent, the human across the table from you. Since love is loudest in marriage, that’s the relationship where a lot of people finally notice the dynamic and usually the hard way, but the pattern runs through all relationships.

God Loves First, So Should We

Having seen this, there is a tension worth noting: loving others is a selfless endeavor that requires us to seek their good in ways they’ll understand. This means loving them in ways they see it, not in the ways we do. We are called to love others in the way God loves us, not for the sake of getting something back for ourselves, but giving ourselves away for the good of another. God did not wait for us to get our act together, scratch His back first, love Him in His preferred ways, or prove ourselves worthy before He loved us. No, “we love because He first loved us.” God “showed His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” The love of God is not reactive, but proactive. God did not love the lovely, but loved the unlovely that they may become radiant. So our love should not be given only in response to the love or lack thereof of others, but according to the model God has given us.

This matters most when a relationship goes sideways. Trust that took years to build can wear thin, eroded by a hurt inside the relationship or a pressure from outside it, until the closeness you once enjoyed has drifted. When we feel that drift, one of two things usually happens. We revert to loving in our own order, the way that comes most naturally, because it is what we would want. Or we do know our spouse’s order, and we love them in it, but grow frustrated when they are slow to respond the way we hoped. Either way, what keeps us on course is remembering how God loves: we love not for what we get, but for what we can give, not for our immediate comfort, but for their long-term good.

God Expresses His Love in Both Ways

But though He loves in action and word, God does not reveal His love in only one order. He expresses it in Scripture in both orders because He made both kinds of people. For the doer, the one who leans back and watches, He provides a compendium of His loving actions in creating, sustaining, and saving, and then gives the words that confirm and explain the love within them. For the hearer, the one who leans in and needs to hear the heart of another first, He lavishes them with covenant words of love and goodwill toward sinners and then proves those words true by His faithful action. Some of us see His love first by what He has done in creation, providence, and salvation and then are enabled to relish the words that confirm it’s all love. Others are overcome first by His tender words, promises, and expressions of everlasting love in Christ and then freed to rejoice over the actions that prove them.

I think this may be why some believers gravitate first to the action-heavy books like the historical narratives or the Gospels, and others to the wordy books like the Psalms or epistles. Indeed, God expresses His love in Scripture by word and deed, but each book expresses it with unique emphasis. In great love, God gives us both, actions and words, so that every kind of sinner, whichever way we lean, can see and hear that He is good, that He loves us, and that He is trustworthy through and through.

Be Loved and Then Love

To find the strength to love others, we must first receive the love God offers us. See His love written in both words and actions and be filled. You are loved. Then, from the fountain of His love, see the people He’s entrusted to you and love them with word and action, but pay attention to the order they’ll receive it.

I once heard Billy Graham tell a story I haven’t been able to forget.

A young man was about to graduate from college. For months he had been eyeing a beautiful sports car at a nearby dealership. He knew his father could afford it so he told him, “That’s all I want for graduation. Nothing else.”

Graduation morning came. His father called him into his study, looked him in the eye, and told him how proud he was and how much he loved him. Then he handed him a beautifully wrapped gift box.

His son opened it and found it was a leather-bound Bible with his name embossed in gold on the cover.

He was furious.

He looked at his father and said, “With all your money, this is what you give me?” He set the Bible down on the desk and walked out of the house.

Years passed. The son built a career and started a family. His life was settled. But he and his father never fully repaired what broke that morning. Then one day came a phone call. His father was gone.

After returning home for the funeral, the son decided to look through his father’s study. He found the Bible his father had gifted him many years earlier. It was still sitting where he had left it. Still wrapped and never opened. He picked it up and, with a strange mix of curiosity and sadness, he opened it. His father had underlined a verse: Matthew 7:11, “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him.”

As he turned the page, something fell out. A cashier’s check, dated the day of his graduation, made out to the car dealership for the full amount of the car he requested.

Shocked, he realized his father had already paid for the car. This whole time, the gift he asked for had been waiting inside the gift he didn’t. He just never opened it.

Paul closes his great prayer in Ephesians 3 with a doxology that expresses what this story shows us: God “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20).

The Father’s gifts, though they seem unimpressive at first, are always better than our request. In Christ he offers us a new life, a new family, a new Father, a new Spirit, a new Lord. In the gospel, God gives a gift of greater joy from a greater love than we would have thought to request. But we, like the resentful son in our story, so often set it down and walk away because the package didn’t look like what we had in mind.

God’s offer is not an insult or a miss, but an answer beyond what we knew to pray for.

Will you open it now?

Some coffins are quite beautiful. Polished mahogany, brass fittings, silk lining, with flowers as the finishing touch. Craftsmen spend careers perfecting them. But nice coffins don’t fool anyone. However fine the box, we all know what’s inside and none of its external beauty can change it.

That’s the best picture I know of the difference between external religion and Christianity. One decorates the coffin. The other empties it.

External religion has never been hard to come by. Every culture in every century has produced some version of it: a set of rules, habits, and rituals designed to make you a better, more moral, more presentable person. To its credit, outward religion works. It can change the outside and help put one on wiser paths. It can reshape how you dress, speak, and act. It can make you impressive and help you live better in relation to others.

But Christianity doesn’t offer external religion.

You see this all over the New Testament. Jesus said to see or enter the Kingdom of God one had to be “born again” (John 3:3, 5). The Apostle Paul said that, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). He also explains to Titus that God “saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:5). When the Apostles preached, they didn’t hand out to-do lists, but made announcements. “God has done the work!” was their claim and the result was that people’s hearts were changed and their lives followed suit.

God’s inner work doesn’t stop at salvation but continues on throughout the Christian life. Paul prayed that God would strengthen the Ephesian Christians, “with power through his Spirit in [their] inner being” (Ephesians 3:16). And this renewal isn’t a one-time event that fades. “Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16). The Spirit goes inside. Religion works on the surface. The power of the gospel works at the core.

It’s not only a New Testament reality. In the Old Testament, God promised centuries earlier through Ezekiel: “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you” (Ezekiel 36:26–27). God doesn’t promise better rules, stricter discipline, or a more rigorous program. He promises surgery. A heart transplant. His own Spirit taking up residence where the stone used to be.

That’s salvation from Old Testament to New. It’s also where Christianity stands in stark contrast to every other religion. While other man-made religions’ exterior paint chips and peels, the Spirit’s work moves in the opposite direction: deeper, fresher, more alive with every passing day. Heart first, then life. Not outward behavior management, but inward transformation. Regeneration and renewal, not mere moral reformation. Through gospel proclamation, the Spirit doesn’t tidy up the old life; he creates a new one.

As the glorious preacher-ism goes, God doesn’t make bad people good. He makes dead people alive. He doesn’t paint coffins. He raises the dead. “If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you” (Romans 8:11). The same power that emptied a tomb outside Jerusalem now lives inside everyone who belongs to Christ.

Where external religions offer new costumes, Christ alone offers a new heart: a life from the inside out. The Spirit of the living God taking up residence in your inner being and beginning the work that no amount of rule-keeping could ever accomplish. The inside-out life makes sense of Paul’s famous exhortation, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:2). Conformity is external religion’s specialty: pressure applied from the outside to change the outside. Transformation is the Spirit’s specialty: inner resurrection where life works its way out from within.

External religion can change what you do. Only Christ can change what you are.

In the children’s book, “Are You My Mother?” a baby bird hatches while his mother is away from the nest. Having never seen her, he sets off to find her. He comes across a kitten and sincerely asks, “Are you my mother?” After realizing the kitten isn’t his mother, he continues his quest by asking a hen, dog, boat, and more. His question is sincere, innocent, and heartbreaking. The little bird doesn’t know what he’s looking for. He only knows it’s missing something important.

Our Search

Scripture tells us that human beings are in a similar situation.

We were made in the image of our God. Just as Seth was born “in the likeness and image” of his father Adam (Genesis 5:3), we were created to reflect the One who made us (Gen. 1:26-27). Our identity, our dignity, and our very sense of self are rooted and found in who He is. Image Bearers can only know who they are if they know the One in whose image they’re made. As Calvin wrote, “Man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself.” If we don’t know whose we are, we’ll never know who we are.

But, unlike the little bird who hatched in his mother’s absence, our first parents were created in God’s presence and chose to run. He didn’t know her and went looking. We knew him and went running.

Now we wander and try to find what we long ago lost: the source of our identity. We tirelessly seek out accomplishments, relationships, pleasures, accolades, or carefully curated personalities and ask not “Are you my mother?” but, “Are you my god?” We know something deep is missing so, like little bird, we search and search. Unlike the little bird, we often settle for answers that don’t fit.

The reason nothing satisfies is that we were made from and for a specific Someone. Paul writes, “I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named” (Ephesians 3:14–15). God alone is Mankind’s Father – the original, the source, the one from whom all belonging flows. If we don’t know our Father, in whose image and likeness we were made (Gen. 1:26-27), we can’t possibly know ourselves.

Our Rescue

In the children’s book, the fretful and anxious little bird returns to his nest where his mother eventually arrives. The little bird joyfully identifies her. She’s not a kitten, hen, or dog. She’s his mother. In Scripture, the story ends a bit differently. Instead of us returning to Him, God in Christ comes looking for his lost ones. He doesn’t wait. He rescues. He doesn’t ask us, “Do you know who you are?” but tells us, “You were lost, but now you are found.”

“God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“God sent forth his Son…to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” Galatians 4:4-5

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1

The little bird’s question was never really about finding his mother, but finding himself. And the answer, when it finally came, wasn’t ultimately a fact to learn, but a person to find. So it is for us: in Christ finding us, we find ourselves. Knowing whose we are is the beginning of knowing who we are.

There is a phrase Christians repeat constantly in evangelism, counseling, and debate. Many have been taught it from well-intentioned folks. There is some truth to it, but that’s buried by the untruths it breeds.

“All sins are equal.”

The problem with this phrase is, if not heard correctly, it does a lot of damage. When a sexual abuse survivor hears that her abuser’s crimes are “the same” as a white lie, something breaks in her heart. When a new believer is told that a moment of gossip and a lifetime of heinous crimes land in the same moral category, they stop trusting their most basic, God-given moral intuitions. When a pastor tries to call a serial adulterer to account and someone in the room says “well, all sins are the same,” the pastor and church’s ability to deal with the situation righteously is stolen. God does not think all sins are the same, nor should we.

Like I said above, the phrase usually intends something true. The problem is repeating that phrase alone in its bare, bumper-sticker form ends up saying something false. And the false version causes real harm.

Three Ways to Think About Sins

To help you tease out the right and the wrong of this phrase and avoid the damages mentioned, here are three truths about sin we must hold together without collapsing them into each other.

1. All sin makes you guilty before God.

This is what the phrase is usually meant to get at. Any violation of God’s law, however small by human reckoning, makes you a lawbreaker who needs grace. James writes, “Whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it” (James 2:10). A single sin is enough to land you in the courtroom. You do not need to commit the worst sins to need a Savior. The thief who took a paperclip and the man who destroyed a family both stand before God as lawbreakers in need of forgiveness.

This is necessary news for the proud moralist who thinks his relatively clean record puts him in a favorable position. It does not. Any sin is enough to deserve judgment and cause guilt only God’s grace can pardon. This truth deserves to be said clearly and often.

But it is not the whole truth.

2. Not all sins are equal.

This is where the phrase fails. Scripture is clear that sins differ in their weight, guilt, consequence, and degree of condemnation.

Jesus told Pontius Pilate, “He who delivered me over to you has the greater sin” (John 19:11). He did not say Pilate was innocent. But he recognized a moral difference in degree. Judas bore more. Some sins are greater than others.

Jesus also warned that it would be “more bearable on the day of judgment” for Sodom and Gomorrah than for Chorazin and Bethsaida (Matthew 11:20-24). The judgment is not uniform. It is calibrated to what actually happened.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus compares calling someone a fool to murder and connects lust to adultery. He escalates the moral gravity in each case, which only makes sense if there are degrees to begin with. He is not collapsing the categories. He is showing how far the category extends.

The Mosaic law itself built in distinctions. Intentional sin carried different penalties than unintentional sin (Numbers 15:27-31). High-handed sins, committed with defiance and contempt for God, were treated with particular severity. The law assumed that circumstances, intent, and degree matter morally.

Jesus taught that the servant who knew his master’s will and did not do it “will receive a severe beating,” while the one who did not know “will receive a light beating” (Luke 12:47-48). Knowledge increases culpability. Greater judgment is reserved for those who “knew better”. Not all lawbreaking is the same before God.

Ezekiel distinguishes between the “abominations” of Israel and draws comparisons of degree (Ezekiel 8:6, 13, 15). The prophets regularly describe some sins as worse than others. Even within idolatry, some idolatrous acts are “more detestable” than others.

God does not see sin in black and white, but perfectly sees all the dark shades it comes in. He observes every sin with perfect clarity along with what made it what it was: the knowledge behind it, the harm it caused, the contempt it expressed, the pattern it formed. The good news is not only that he perfectly sees what we see dimly, but he will judge each sin perfectly and proportionately. True and perfect punishment will be given to perfectly fit each and every crime.

3. The gospel offers forgiveness for them all.

Here the good news where both truths ought to lead us to: every lawbreaker, small and great, has the same door of salvation open to them. The Apostles preached it to guilty sinner, great and small, everywhere they went:

“Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved” (Acts 16:31).

The substitutionary sacrifice of Jesus is sufficient to wash away any and every sin. The Savior who bore the weight of the worst sins ever committed offers full forgiveness to anyone who trusts him. The ground is level at the foot of the cross, not because all sins are the same, but because all sinners are equally in need of God’s grace and equally invited to drink it down deep.

All sins make us guilty. Though not all sins are equal in degree, the degree of of our sin does not close the door on salvation. The blood of Jesus covers the sins of the gossip and the war criminal alike.

Why These Distinctions Matter in Ministry and Witness

Getting this right is not theological nitpicking. It dramatically affects how we care for people and give witness to the gospel of grace.

It takes victims seriously. When we blur the line between minor wrongdoing and serious abuse, we communicate to victims that their harm was ordinary. It was not. Naming serious sin as serious is a form of pastoral care. It validates what they already know in their bones.

It enables honest confrontation. When a pastor or elder needs to call someone to account for a pattern of serious sin, they need language that reflects the gravity of the situation. “All sins are equal” can function cut the teeth of needed accountability by leveling the moral playing field with all other sins.

It makes the gospel more credible. Unbelievers often object to Christianity on the grounds that Christians seem to lack moral seriousness or proportion. When we tell someone that a lie and a genocide are morally equivalent, we sound absurd. Acknowledging real moral differences while proclaiming a gospel that covers them all is far more compelling.

It clarifies genuine repentance. The person who has committed serious sin needs to understand the weight of what they did and not have it minimized. Cheap comfort is no comfort. The gospel is most powerful when the sin it covers is seen clearly for what it was.

It guards the character of God. A God who judges all sins identically is not a just God. He is a bureaucrat who unjustly takes teeth for eyes and eyes for teeth. The God of Scripture sees every particular, weighs every circumstance, and judges each with perfect equity. That is terrifying and wonderful at the same time.

All sins make you a lawbreaker who needs grace, but not all sins are the same. And, praise be to God, Jesus Christ offers forgiveness for every last one.