“I have often said that the sole cause of man’s unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.”
Peter Kreeft explains what Pascal meant and why his 400 year old insight is just as timely for us today:
“We ought to have much more time, more leisure, than our ancestors did, because technology, which is the most obvious and radical difference between their lives and ours, is essentially a series of time-saving devices.
In ancient societies, if you were rich you had slaves to do the menial work so that you could be freed to enjoy your leisure time. Life was like a vacation for the rich because the poor slaves were their machines. . . .
[But] now that everyone has slave-substitutes (machines), why doesn’t everyone enjoy the leisurely, vacationy lifestyle of the ancient rich? Why have we killed time instead of saving it?
We want to complexify our lives. We don’t have to, we want to. We wanted to be harried and hassled and busy. Unconsciously, we want the very things we complain about. For if we had leisure, we would look at ourselves and listen to our hearts and see the great gaping hold in our hearts and be terrified, because that hole is so big that nothing but God can fill it.
So we run around like conscientious little bugs, scared rabbits, dancing attendance on our machines, our slaves, and making them our masters. We think we want peace and silence and freedom and leisure, but deep down we know that this would be unendurable to us, like a dark and empty room without distractions where we would be forced to confront ourselves. . .
If you are typically modern, your life is like a mansion with a terrifying hole right in the middle of the living-room floor. So you paper over the hole with a very busy wallpaper pattern to distract yourself. You find a rhinoceros in the middle of your house. The rhinoceros is wretchedness and death. How in the world can you hide a rhinoceros? Easy: cover it with a million mice. Multiple diversions.”
Last night, in my undergrad preaching class, while talking about communication skills that aid the clarity, memorability, and accuracy of our Bible teaching, a student asked, “What do I do if I am bored by my pastor’s preaching?” Though she respected her pastor’s character and trusted his leadership, she found it difficult to benefit from his preaching.
I love the question for a few reasons. It’s relevant. I don’t think she’s the only one with that experience. It’s practical. She wasn’t interested in complaining about her pastor, but wanted to know what she could do about it. Also, it’s important. God’s Word is what creates, nourishes, grows, and preserves our spiritual life. In addition to reading the Bible, singing the Bible, praying the Bible, and teaching the Bible, benefiting from the hearing the Bible preached each week by our God-ordained pastors is a crucial skill to hone for our joy, our church’s good, and God’s glory.
How would you answer?
Practical Counsels for Boring Sermons
After discussing this with my class and thinking about it more, here are a few counsels for listeners of boring sermons split into three categories: before, during, and after.
Before the Boring Sermon
Pray for your heart. Our heart determines what comes out of us (Proverbs 4:23) and what comes into us (Philippians 4:8). Before we focus upon the skill of our sower, we should tend prayerfully to the state of our soil (Matthew 13:1-23). Pray for hunger of God’s Word (1 Peter 2:1-3), spiritual eyes and ears that truly hear and see what God says (Matthew 13:16), and a posture like Mary whose consuming desire was to hear Christ’s word, whether thundered eloquently from a mountain or whispered conversationally from a living room chair (Luke 10:38-42).
Pray for your pastor. Paul asked the Ephesians to pray, “also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel” (Ephesians 6:19). If Paul needed prayer for preaching, your pastor would likely appreciate it too. Preaching is really hard and pastoring even harder. He’s battling and would benefit from the ministry of your prayer for his soul’s joy, family’s good, ministry’s faithfulness, and the preparation and execution of his Sunday sermon. Likely, praying for him may help you listen to him and benefit from him.
Examine your expectations. With the internet and podcasts, all of us have free access to the best preachers in the world. Do you think that may affect your expectations of Sunday’s sermon? Krish Kandiah counsels us well:
“We wouldn’t expect TV standard at our local comedy club, just as we don’t expect our parents to serve culinary masterpieces as good as Raymond Blanc or Albert Roux. But although their food may never come close to being awarded a Michelin Star, there is something remarkably precious about familiar home-cooked food and hospitality from people who love us.
This doesn’t mean to get rid of any expectations, but to adjust them from what’s preferred to what’s needed. Start with the expectation that your pastor reads the Bible, explains the Bible, and applies the Bible to the lives of his hearers. It isn’t a problem to identify how he could improve, but it’s helpful to remind yourself of what the main thing of preaching is: making God’s Word heard, understood, and obeyed. Anything less is spiritual malpractice and you shouldn’t be OK with it, But, anything more is gracious gravy.
Prepare your mind. Consider reading the passage ahead of time to familiarize yourself with the passage. Try to identify the main idea or the main points or crucial ways we ought to respond ahead of time. Familiarizing yourself with the passage may help you take all the more from Sunday’s sermon.
Prepare your body. Sunday worship begins Saturday night. Consider how your Saturday night activities may help or harm your Sunday morning receptivity. Boring sermons aren’t helped by sleepy bodies.
During the Sermon
Be worshipful. Remember that listening to God’s Word is primarily an act of worship. We honor God with our ears. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the command to love God with all our heart is preceded by a command to, “Hear” (Deut. 6:4). We will not love the God of the Word unless we hear the Word of God. As the preacher ascends the pulpit, consider praying, “Lord, help me hear you in your Word this morning that I may love you. May my listening honor you.”
Be eager. God’s Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:11). God’s Word always does God’s work, especially in the hearts of those eagerly asking (Matthew 7:8). Food serves on poor quality plates still nourishes. We should eagerly expect God’s Word to nourish even if delivered by men of faltering lips.
Be active. Don’t lean back waiting for the sermon to grab you. Lean forward and use all of your mental faculties to grab the Word of God wherever you can see it. Have your Bible open, your pen ready, your mind attentive to follow the argument of the text, spot ways to respond in faith, consider points to pray over or discuss at lunch after church. It’s hard to catch something if you’re not ready, it’s hard to miss if you are.
Be humble. Peter said:
“You who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.” 1 Peter 5:5-6
God has given you and your church your pastor(s) for your church’s corporate and your individual growth (Ephesians 4:11). You’ll benefit from his ministry all the more if you are cultivating a heart of humility toward him in obedience to God. Among all the accessories of your Sunday wardrobe, humility is the most important.
Be critical. Humility doesn’t mean gullibility. Nor does it mean training yourself to be OK with unbiblical or sub-biblical sermons. Good sermons are to be received with a lot of joy, boring sermons are to be received with a little more effort, but unfaithful sermons are not to be tolerated. We must imitate the Noble Bereans (Acts 17:11), check the sermon with the Scriptures and ask, “Did he say what God said?” As you listen to your preacher make statements about the text, ask yourself, “Where did he get that from?” If you can see how he got it from the passage, receive it. If you can’t, then reject it. If your pastor preaches boring, but faithful sermons, learn how to benefit better. If your pastor is preaching unfaithful sermons, leave.
Be thankful. Hearing God’s Word preached, even if falteringly, is a great gift. We’d find easy to be grateful for if we lived in a context where it wasn’t available with great danger or at all. I imagine that listening to boring sermons isn’t a problem for believers in areas where the church is a minority and persecuted for their faith in Jesus. For them, faithful sermons, even boring ones, would always be a reason for praise and worship. There’s perspective to consider.
After the Sermon
Discuss the Word. Ask other believers at your church what they gleaned from the passage. You may not have been blessed by the sermon, but you could definitely be blessed through others’ reflections on the sermon. Ask others’ what they thought the main idea was or what kind of applications they heard or considered. Maybe they saw or caught something you missed or have a perspective that would help you better understand or respond.
Do the Word. I’ve always loved Donald Whitney’s counsel and think it applicable for how we respond to boring sermons. After having listened to a difficult or boring sermon, say to yourself: I won’t stop thinking about the sermon until I can prayerfully think of at least one way to apply what I’ve heard.
So as you reflect on the text, do you perceive something God would have you…
Stop?
Start?
Believe?
Confess?
Pray about?
Thank Him for?
Communicate to someone?
We cannot expect the Bible (or boring sermons) to advance our transformation without meditation and application.
Remember, the boring-ness of a sermon doesn’t take away the authority of the text it proclaimed or our responsibility to respond with repentance and faith.
Consider Talking to Your Pastor(s). Talking to your pastor depends on many factors like how bad the sermons really are, how well you know him, how long you’ve been at the church, the leadership structure of the church, and more. However, if you’ve an opportunity to talk with your pastor or maybe even other pastors in your church, it’s worth considering both for your sake, the church’s sake, and his sake!
If you do talk with your pastor, instead of coming to him explaining how you think he’s falling short, consider sharing specific ways you’re struggling to listen or understand the sermons and ask for his advice or counsel. It makes the conversation turn from you pointing a finger at his inadequacy to asking for his help.
If you end up speaking with other pastors about the preaching ministry of another pastor, make sure you speak respectfully, but also honestly. Your pastors have a vested interest in you benefiting from the preached Word on Sunday and are likely eager to both help you and help one another preach better. Though you may not have the kind of relationship or ability to help your pastor’s preaching improve, sharing your struggles with other pastors may equip them with what they need to help their fellow pastor’s improve.
You should want your pastors to help you grow and also be eager to give them encouragement and feedback that will help them grow too!
What other counsels would you give to someone who’s struggling to benefit from Sunday morning?
Barbara Joan Dill May 21, 1934 to December 28, 2023
On December 28, 2024, my dear grandma, Barbara Dill, went home to the Lord. Our family and friends mourned our loss, celebrated her life, and gloried in her God together yesterday at her memorial. I was entrusted the privilege and responsibility of preaching the Word of God there for family and friends. I offer my sermon here in hopes it would honor grandma, possibly do you good, and ultimately bring God glory.
Having had some time together to consider the life of my grandma, Barbara Dill, I am sure you’d agree with me that she was a wonderful woman, worthy of many great titles and honors. But there are also many things that could never be said of her; many things she was never accused of being.
Punctual. There is vacation time, Hawaiian time, and grandma time.
An Early Riser. Compared to grandpa waking up at godless hours when it was still dark, grandma always made my high-school-self feel good to know I wasn’t the only one who liked to wake up in the wee hours of the early afternoon.
A Great Cook. Let it be said that she never lacked effort in the kitchen. She had unique culinary techniques like putting loads of sugar into spaghetti and calling it “German.” However, she made some mean cinnamon sugar toast, could pour an excellent bowl of cereal, and scooped ice cream like a demi-god.
What Barbara’s Family Called Her
Like I said, there are many things one can indeed say about Barbara. Her were some well-known and well-earned family descriptions of grandma.
We Called Her a Sweet Tooth. As a kid, I could always depend on grandma to have the goods and deliver the goods as long as she was willing to share her stash.
We Called Her a Collector. She wasn’t a collector of specific things, but all things. Ask her sons about her love affair with storage units, boxes, and holding onto priceless treasures like a 1976 issue of Better Homes and Gardens just in case her grand kids one day wanted to peruse the latest style of shag carpeting.
We Called Her Generous. A faithful, if not forgetful gift giver. No child or grandchild of hers ever went without a birthday card or gift, even if it was 8 months later.
We Called Her Selfless. With exaggeration, I can’t recall hearing, seeing, or sensing grandma putting her needs or desires above the needs or desires of others. Her preferences always took backseat whenever the opportunity to care for someone else arose. She forgot herself as she loved her people.
We found that many wonderful descriptions fit Barbara like a glove.
What Barbara’s God Called Her
But, we weren’t the only ones who could describe grandma. As she knew well, God had names or descriptions of her as well and she knew them well.
God Called Her “Saved.” To apply the words of Ephesians 2:8-9 to grandma: “(Barbara was savedby grace) through faith. And this not (her) own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that (she could never) boast” (Eph. 2:8-9). Grandma lived on the other side of God’s rescue.
God Called Her “Beloved.” Again, later, Ephesians says of believers in Jesus: “Be imitators of God, as beloved…” (Eph. 5:1). Isn’t it amazing, in Christ we are not endured by God, put up with by God, or begrudgingly cared for by God, but we are loved by Him. Why was grandma so lovely? Because because she was loved by God and she knew it well.
God Called Her Daughter: The same verse adds one more glorious reality of a Christian’s identity: “Be imitators of God, as beloved children…” (Eph. 5:1). Barbara’s great claim wasn’t that she was made by God, saved by God, or used by God – as true as those are – but her greatest gift and the primary identity she knew personally and put on display throughout her life was this: Barbara was a daughter of God most high.
There are more names God gave Barbara, but not less.
How Did She Become Those Things?
You may be asking, “How could someone obtain such a place in God’s heart?” How can one be saved, beloved, and adopted by God? Thankfully, God answers that question all over the Bible. For an answer, let me read from Ephesians 2:5-7.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:5-7
Did you see the good news? In this passage, there are three great truths that help us understand how someone is saved, beloved, and adopted by God.
(1) Our Problem
The first truth is we must recognize our problem, “We were dead in our trespasses.” This is the bad news that we must realize if we get anywhere near the good news we need. We’ve all turned from God and died because of it. We were made to live by know God, love God, and enjoy God, but we all decided to go our own way. Like a flower plucked from the ground or a laptop unplugged from the wall, once we detached ourselves from the source of our life, we died. Sin isn’t sickness. It’s death.
(2) God’s Solution
You may think, that’s terrible. It is. You may also think, then we’re hopeless: dead people can’t do anything about their deadness! And you’d be right, if we didn’t have the secondtruth here in Ephesians is God’s solution: God has come to rescue us through Jesus. Paul describes God’s rescuing work in three ways: through Jesus Christ he has made us alive (2:5), saved us (2:5, and raised us to life (2:6). By sending Jesus to take our place, pay our deserved penalty on the cross, and rise again to life, God offers the solution for all our greatest needs.
Sin has made us dead, Christ makes us alive.
Sin has brought just judgment upon us, Christ saves us from that penalty.
Sin has buried us, Christ alone digs us out and raises us. Christ did not come to make bad people good, but dead people alive.
Some people have told me Christianity is a crutch, but my response is, “No, I needed much more than a crutch, I needed CPR.” God has given us spiritual CPR in Christ. In Christ, God has done for us what we could not do for ourselves.
(3) God’s Motivation
What has motivated God to do such a thing? That’s the third truth. Verses five and six say that it was not our goodness that made him act, but God’s mercy, God’s love, and God’s grace. No one is saved because they’re lovely, but only because God is loving. The only thing we bring to the table of our salvation is the sin that needs to be forgiven. God, in his great love, grace, and mercy, has offered us exactly what we did not deserve.
What Goal Does God Have in Saving Sinners?
Notice, our text doesn’t end there. What is God’s goal in all of this? What is he seeking to accomplish? In verse seven we’re given one reason for why God did saves sinners through Jesus.
“So that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:7
God has saved us in Christ so “he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” God saves us so he may show how rich his grace is through being kind to us in Jesus. God saves sinners to show the world something of himself.
Think of a trophy. A trophy is something that is earned by someone who is excellent at something. In my house somewhere there is a box of wrestling trophies that display the skill I once had as a wrestler. Those trophies show the athleticism I once had, “This is how good, strong, and skilled Dana was at wrestling.” Notice, trophies aren’t meant to be praised, but to bring praise to the one who earned them. Trophies show off something of the one who obtained them. In the same way, believers in Jesus are God’s trophies. Through their new life, believers say to the world:
“Look at how wise my God is, look at how kind my God is, look at how good my God is, look at how patient my God is in how he saved and how he cares for ME! After all I had done against him, look at what he has done for me!”
Like trophies, Christians point away from self to the One who earned them in hopes that other sinners like us would also turn from their rebellion, trust Christ to save them from sins, and be made new by his grace just as we’ve been. In sin, we say, “Look at me!” In Christ, we say, “Look at Him!”
A Trophy of Grace
That’s what leads me to point out the last name God had for grandma: she was his trophy; earned by Christ to show off his grace for all to see. Barbara’s life was not of her own making, but God’s work in her. The reason she was a blessing to us is because she was blessed by God in Jesus. Who she was was a result of whose she was. She was his “workmanship, created in Christ Jesus” (Eph. 2:10). His power created her. His grace recreated her. His death paid for her sin. His Spirit made her alive. His Word guided her beliefs and her behaviors. His love sent her to us that we may be warmed by her, cared for by her, and through all of that point us back to the One who won her. What this means is this: if you’re thankful for Barbara, you have Jesus Christ to thank. She was his trophy.
In her life, she showed off God’s grace. The same is true of her death. One of the times my girls and I visited her in hospice, she looked at them with loving, confident eyes and said. “Always remember: Jesus loves you more than grandma does and grandma loves you so much.” She loved being his trophy.
Her trophyness is perfectly captured in one of the last moments I shared with her. By the kindness of God and my wife, I was able to take a day and spend about six hours with her in hospice. With the medication she was in and out with sleep, but one time she woke up, saw me sitting there with my Bible, and said, “Dana, read me Scripture.”
“Which one, grandma?”
“Psalm 139”
I read it and after about three seconds of silence, she commanded, “Romans 8:28-30.” I flipped there and read aloud. A few moments after that she said, “Isaiah 41:10” and there I went. Then, when I finished, she ws quiet for a moment and then recited from memory: “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
“Now you’re just showing off,” I smilingly thought to myself. I took the chance and read the whole section that verse was found in. After I finished, she recited another passage from memory, “Be anxious about nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication make your requests known to God…” And I, willing to engage in a little Scripture memory sparing session completed the text from memory, “and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Then silence. I thought to myself, “That is exactly what God is doing right now for her and I, guarding our hearts and minds by his peace even as death looms.
Finally, like a woman well-versed in conversation with God, grandma moved from hearing God’s Word in Scripture to offering her words in prayer, “Dana, pray for the family that they may have peace.” Even in the final days of her life, she could not help but point to the One who saved her, exalt in his grace, and love others from that overflow.
Barbara could be called many things by us, was called many things by God and among those names, may we all remember her as God’s Trophy. Her life and death was God’s eighty-nine yearlong sermon to us all where he proved time and time again how gracious he is to those who trust in Christ. As we remember this dear woman, let our gaze continue upward to look to the One who made her the woman she was. She was, after all, his trophy.
If you’d like to read my grandpa’s (Barbara’s beloved husband) memorial sermon, you can here.
In my reading, I’ve been on a Stoic kick. Right now, I am sitting at Epictetus’ feet and getting worked over in the best of ways. It hurts so good.
Not Epictetus
In my reading today, as Epictetus is lovingly railing against his students for not practicing the things they say they believe, he calls them to the floor with an fatherly exhortation that I will not soon forget.
Before I share the quote, I’ve a qualifier. Since Epictetus was a kind of pantheist, I’ve made a few slight modifications (noted by parenthesis) that aren’t in the original because I want to better appropriate this wisdom for myself as a Christian and my brothers and sisters who may read this.
“Listen, as the saying goes, ‘it’s crisis time’: make a last desperate effort to gain freedom and tranquillity – to be (Christian). Lift up your head, like a person finally released from slavery. Dare to face God and say,
‘From now on, use me as you like. I am of one mind with you. Whatever you decide, I will not shrink from it. You may put me where you like, in any role regardless: officer or citizen, rich man or pauper, here or overseas. They are all just so many opportunities to (show your goodness) to man by showing just how little circumstances amount to.’
Therefore, set our own house in order. Cast out of your mind – not (death) or (suffering) – but sorrow, fear, lust, envy, spite, greed, petulance, and over-indulgence. Getting rid of these requires looking to God for help, trusting him alone, and submitting to his direction. If you’re not willing to do this… you will serve someone physically more powerful than you and continue to look outside yourself for happiness, fated never to find it. And that is because you look for it in the wrong place, forgetting to look where it really lies.” (Discourses, 2:16:41, 45)
To say it another way, King Solomon wrote:
“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
Happiness will never be found if we hitch ourselves to external things like people’s praise or blame, pleasurable circumstances, money, or whatever else. Happiness can only be found when we look to Christ and genuinely pray from our heart, “From now on, use me as you like. I am of one mind with you. Whatever you decide, I will not shrink from it.”
His way alone gives the permanent, stable, and true happiness we yearn for. Remember Jesus’ words, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11).
God grants life, both physical and spiritual, through His Word, which is gloriously recorded for us in Scripture. Christians, as a people devoted to The Book, prioritize teaching the truth, goodness, and beauty of God’s Incarnate Son as he is revealed in God’s inscripturated Word (Colossians 1:28-29). By explaining with words and validating by our deeds, our aim is to make known God’s life-giving Word for the good of His people and His glory. Despite the importance of preaching and teaching God’s Word, the task isn’t safe. Sin, Satan, and the World are incessantly working against those teaching God’s Word seeking to derail them at every step. Therefore, it’s essential for teachers and preachers to examine their own hearts during preparation for the legion of temptations, fears, disbelief, or sins that lurk in our study. As Paul said, saving ourselves and our hearers requires close scrutiny of both our doctrine and lives (2 Timothy 4:16).
To that end, my teaching friend, here is a short list of questions intended to guide your own self-examination in light of God’s Word.
Questions to Examine Your Heart Before Preaching
You’ll likely only read this list, and I hope it helps as you do, but I’d encourage you, if you find these questions helpful, to grab a piece of paper or your journal (free advice, you should definitely make a habit of journaling) and write the questions by hand and record your answers by hand directly under them. Take your time and don’t think you have to do this all at once. In fact, it may be good to take one question for each sitting and then take a break.
Examine Your Sermon: What Are You Preaching?Although our task is simple – read, explain, and apply God’s Word – our sermons can easily end up preaching something else such as our opinions, our hobby-horses, our favorite punching bags, our traditions, our experiences, our favorite cliches, culturally accepted slogans, vague theological niceties (e.g. God’s unconditional love, prayer changes things, bold faith). As you think about your sermon preparation thus far and look at what you have, are you confident that you are saying nothing more than what the text says or implies or is something else being preached in your sermon?
Examine Your Motives: Why Are You Preaching? Ministers of the gospel are to love God with a pure heart (Hebrews 10:22) and serve God’s people with a pure heart (1 Peter 1:22). Our preaching of God’s Word is to be motivated by God’s love (2 Cor. 5:14-15). However, there are often other hidden motives our heart nurtures as we prepare to preach such as pride, fear, guilt, covetousness of reputation, honor, money, or respect, making yourself feel righteous or fulfilled. Make a list of the various impure or sinful motives you think may be fueling your preparation.
Examine Your Goal(s): What Are You Seeking? The goal of every preacher should be to teach God’s Word faithfully, plainly, and practically (2 Tim. 4:1-5) so God’s people would fix their eyes on Jesus (Col. 1:28-29) and be transformed by the Spirit’s power (2 Cor. 3:18) that God may be trusted, obeyed, and honored above all else (1 Cor. 10:31). But, to our shame, other goals are often sought. What sinful goals are you tempted to achieve through your sermon. Are your goals Godward or Manward – to be praised, respected, liked, esteemed, accepted by people? Are you seeking to fulfill your responsibilities or achieve some earthly end like money, career opportunities, speaking invitations? Search your heart and expose whatever lurks there.
Examine Your Trust: What Are You Trusting? As Paul recalled his preaching ministry to the Corinthians as he sought to plant a church there, he said this:
“When I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. 2 For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, 4 and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power…” 1 Corinthians 2:1-4
For Paul, his trust was in the power of the Spirit to transforms the hearts and minds of his hearers as he preached “Christ crucified,” a message he knew would be scoffed at and rejected by most of them (1 Cor. 1:21-25), but he trusted would save those who heard. Paul believed that the Word of God alone would accomplish the work of God and he didn’t trust in wisdom, eloquence, humor, emotional stories, plagiarized sections of his sermon taken from popular preachers, PowerPoints, musicians, or fog machines. As you prepare to preach God’s Son from God’s Word, do you find yourself trusting in something other than or in addition to God’s Spirit to do God’s Work? What else do you find yourself leaning on to make this sermon “work?” Where do you trust the power of your preaching will come from?
The heart is the well-spring of all we think, say, and do (Prov. 4:23). Therefore, it’s essential to guard it. But, we can only do that when we’ve successfully examined our heart with the help of God’s Spirit in the light of God’s Word.
Praise is not something we have to do, but something we – that is, religious and irreligious, theists and atheists – want to do. It brings us joy to express our pleasure in good, true, and beautiful things.
“But the most obvious fact about praise — whether of God or anything — strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honour. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless . . . shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it.
The world rings with praise — lovers praising their mistresses [Romeo praising Juliet and vice versa], readers their favourite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game — praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. . . . Except where intolerably adverse circumstances interfere, praise almost seems to be inner health made audible. . . . I had not noticed either that just as men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: “Isn’t she lovely? Wasn’t it glorious? Don’t you think that magnificent?” The Psalmists in telling everyone to praise God are doing what all men do when they speak of what they care about.
My whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly denying to us, as regards the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we can’t help doing, about everything else we value.
So, dear reader, the question is not, will you praise, but what are you praising? Make sure to send that question higher up the ladder to ask, “What do I praise more than anything else?” Whatever sits upon that throne is your God. Like Peter Kreeft said, “The opposite of theism isn’t atheism, but idolatry.” We all share the activity of worship, but not the object.
Now, with your god of choice fixed in your mind, ask yourself this, “Does that thing deserve that place or am I settling for a lesser god?” Odds are, if Jesus doesn’t fill that peerless place in your heart, then you are, indeed, settling for infinitely less.
Christians are not different from other folks in that they worship and others don’t. No, the difference is in this: Christians stopped settling for pathetic and impotent gods so they can worship the True God who’s worthy of such adoration.
It isn’t uncommon to think God betrays us when life gets hard. However, those taught by the Word know that hardships are gifts from God for our maturation (James 1:2-3), opportunities to share in Christ’s suffering and grow closer to him (1 Peter 4:12-19), and means of making us more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29). Suffering is God’s sandpaper used to smooth-out and complete his people; he uses it to hurt us toward growth in goodness. As Watson said, “the worst thing God will ever do to his children is whip them to heaven.”
Another thought about suffering recently came to me: suffering is God honoring us with the chance to demonstrate the wisdom of his Word and the worth of His Name.
We Learn to Practice
The purpose of learning anything is to practice it, grow skilled in it, and have victory through it. Those who’ve learned something see challenges or difficulties as opportunities to practice their principles and test their mettle. They want the challenge!
“When troubles arise, we will know that it’s time to exhibit what we’ve learned.
A student fresh out of school who gets into difficulty is like someone practiced in the solving of syllogisms; if anyone gives him an easy one, he says, ‘Give me a knotty one instead, I want a bit of practice.’ In the same way, athletes don’t like to be paired with pushovers. “He can’t lift me,’ one says, ‘this other guy is better built.’ No, when the crisis comes, we groan and say, I wanted to keep on learning.’ Keep learning what? If you didn’t learn these things in order to demonstrate them in practice, what did you learn them for?“
I suppose there might be some who are sitting here losing patience and thinking, ‘Why don’t I get to face the kind of do challenge he did? I am growing old in a corner, when I could be winning a crown at Olympia! When will I be nominated for a similar trial?
That is the attitude that all of you should adopt. There are gladiators at Rome who get frustrated if they are not called out and matched with an opponent, all the while begging God and their own supervisors to be allowed to do battle one-on-one. None of you here shows anything like the same mettle. Which is why I would like to escape to Rome to see my favorite wrestler in action, how he, at least, puts policy into practice.” (Discourses & Selected Writings, p. 71-72)
For Epictetus, trials are a beautiful opportunity to practice what we’ve learned; to publicize our progress and prowess. Athletes, musicians, and actors who’ve trained hard in their craft are eager, not ungrateful, for the chance to display what they’ve got. Those trained in wisdom and truth ought feel the same.
How Much More Can Christians Adopt This?
Now, Epictetus was a pagan philosopher, but he points out something that Christians have even more reason to believe: in the care of our Good and Sovereign God, our trials are not random, accidental, or necessary evils, but opportunities He gives us to prove to ourselves and the watching world the wisdom of his word and the worth of his Name. Far from cowering from trials, we’ve reason to be eager for such a chance and consider it an honor when he gives it to us.
I think we see this posture when in how the Apostles responded to the hardships God sent their way. For example, after faithfully following and proclaiming Jesus, the Apostles were arrested by Pharisees and Sadducees, interrogated, insulted, and falsely accused of crimes against God. Afterward,
“When (religious leaders) had called in the Apostles, they beat them and charged them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. Then (the Apostles) left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.” Acts 4:40-41
Far from complaining, cowering, or cursing God for their sufferings, theyrejoiced God counted them worthy to suffer dishonor for His Name. They were musicians who considered themselves blessed to play the King’s song in the theater of fire. Artists commissioned to use all their knowledge and skill to paint the glory of their King. They were wrestlers grateful to be given the chance to show the worth of their Savior and the sufficiency of His grace in the arena of suffering. Coach put them in and they were ecstatic for the difficult match up.
Far from complaining about difficult trials, those schooled in God’s Word and world, will be able to think, “This is what I have been studying for. God has revealed His Word to me so that I may show and sense His goodness in this hardship. I am not betrayed by this difficulty, but honored.” As James said, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” (James 1:2). God honors his best saints with hardship.
Now, if you are currently in a trial or tragedy, these words feel like boulders on your back when you’re struggling to not drown. Feel free to ignore this for now and go find a friend to cry with and be supported by. Suffering isn’t the time to learn what you don’t know, but lean on the Rock you do know. However, if you’re presently able to consider the words above, now is the time to chew and digest them so you’re better prepared for the trial you may be in or the trials that will inevitably come. To quote Epictetus again, “That is the attitude that all of you should adopt.”
I recently shared rule #2 from what I call, “The Decorum” online and had a lot of encouraging feedback. I thought to share the whole here.
The Decorum serves as a set of norms that I share with my high school Bible and theology students at the beginning of the year. Taking a cue from Israel’s kings, I have them copy it down word-for-word into their notebooks by hand. It is less a list of rules and more a list of theological assumptions (the why) along with their specific applications (the what) to the life of a student and the context of a classroom. My hope is that this establishes thewhat and the why of our class expectations throughout the school year so the students are not only know what kind of conduct will be expected of them, but why that conduct is true, good, beautiful, and, above all, honoring to the Lord Jesus Christ.
I’ve got loads more to say about it, which I might do later, but I’ll cut to the quick and share it now.
The Decorum Prologue
We are valuable. Our classmates are valuable. Our teacher, yes, even he, is valuable. Our time is precious. Your goal, if it is to learn truth, become good, and love what is beautiful, is invaluable. Therefore, we embrace and uphold these rules together to protect us from hindrance and propel ourselves toward great knowledge, character, wisdom, and maturity.
While we are not required to be devoted Christians to attend Capistrano Valley Christian School, we are reasonably expected to be respectful students. So, we will conduct ourselves according to the following rules of The Decorum.
One – Seek to Become Whole
We are human beings gifted by God with capacities for rationality (we think and speak), emotion (we feel), morality (we do good or evil), and free will (we choose our path). Those abilities exist within us, but they’re not yet fully developed. We are not what we were, but we also are not yet what we could be. Therefore, we seek education to cultivate our whole being – to sharpen our thinking, refine our character, control our emotions wisely, do good, and choose good. We steward God’s gift of education not just for grades, colleges, or better paychecks, but so we may become fully, wisely, and joyfully human.
Two – Worship God By Growing Like Him
Going to school for a grade is called idolatry and grades are a cruel god. They turn school into slavery with nothing but empty tasks to complete. They turn students into lap dogs that only make efforts when offered a treat. They demand all our focus so we never have time or energy to learn or enjoy anything. They breed misery, anxiety, and hatred for school. This doesn’t mean grades are bad, but worshiping them is. Instead, worship the true God who created you and for whom you are created, the God who is revealed in Jesus Christ; the God who doesn’t take, but always gives. Let your grades become the natural by-product of your hard work to learn and grow. School will be more enjoyable, fulfilling, and fruitful if you do.
Three – Steward the Gift of Time Worshipfully
Time is not eternal; only God is eternal. As weird as it sounds, time is a created thing and God graciously gives it to us to love him and others. Because of this, our time in class is a sacred gift set apart from lunch time, play time, or leisure time. It exists to grow our minds and character together so we can better love and reflect God and care for others. Therefore, we honor God’s gift of time by being seated with our materials at the bell and refraining from packing up until permitted or the bell rings.
Four – Be Kind
Everyone is fighting a hard battle, be kind.
Five – Give Respect to Whom It’s Due
All people – no matter their gender, nationality, GPA, beliefs, skin color, intellect, physical size, abilities, hobbies, favorite sports teams, likeability, social skills, or favorite color – are made in the image of God – they carry his Name. As such, they are to be treated as valuable, that is, respected, in every conceivable way. To the best of our ability, we will not insult, embarrass, disrespect, interrupt, corrupt, or upset our image bearing peers or teacher with our words, body posture, or attitudes. Instead, we will make valiant efforts to love, honor, encourage, support, compliment, smile at, hold accountable, build up, stir up, and lift up our classmates and, yes, even our teacher. We will strive to be a blessing and not a curse.
Six – Take Responsibility or Yourself in Everything
In most situations, you cannot control what others say to you or do to you, but you are always in control of what you do or say. When we all stand before Jesus on the day of judgment, he will not make us answer for our teachers, our classmates, our family members’ lives, but we will answer for our lives and our words, even, or especially, the careless ones (Matthew 12:36). Therefore, we will not follow our father Adam’s sin and blame others for our faults (Genesis 3:11-12). Instead, we will work to take full responsibility for our timeliness, our assignments, our make-up tests/quizzes, our body posture, our reading and responding to emails, our attitude, and our words. We will pay attention first to the logs in our eyes.
Seven – Care About Other’s Perceiving You Correctly
One key lesson that maturity teaches is that we should care not only about our intentions, but others’ perceptions insofar as we can control. For example, in class, if we are genuinely interested in a class discussion, but we are slouched in our chair, turned away from the group, doodling on our hands with your earbuds in and our hoodies tightened around our face as if in a hurricane, no one knows we’re interested, benefits from our interest, or believes we’re interested. Therefore, we will work to ensure that not only our intentions are pure of heart, but that we conduct ourselves in such a way that they will be easily perceived by our classmates and teacher. In doing this, we’ll better learn how to love our neighbors.
Eight – Prepare Yourself to Work Hard to Grow
If we want to become strong, we must make intentional effort and endure the pain that comes with exercising. If we want to make the team, we must make intentional effort to condition, listen well, correct our bad habits, and endure the pain that comes with those things. If we want to build something beautiful with our hands, we need to measure, cut, nail, glue, sand, and paint and experience the difficulties that come with it. If we want to gain knowledge, grow in wisdom, think intelligently, and become people who are effective in the world, then we have to make intentional effort to read deeply, discuss thoughtfully, listen carefully, debate precisely, and articulate ourselves clearly, concisely, and correctly and be willing to endure the inevitable difficulties that come with that effort. Only the living fish make it upstream.
Nine – Be a Truth Teller in Word & Deed
The 9th commandment teaches us to not bear false witness. Put positively, we are to tell the truth. Therefore, in class we’ll strive to tell the truth, with respect, in conversation and papers about what we honestly think or feel instead of uttering empty, false, or plagiarized words to get good grades or the teacher off our backs. We don’t want to practice becoming good liars. We want to be truth tellers like God.
Ten – Act Like the Adult You Wanted to Be Treated As
We are young adults. We are young, but we are also adults. Therefore, we’d like to be treated as adults and not children. Even more, we want to act like adults. We will do our best to address conflicts in patient and honest ways. We will take responsibility for what we do and what we don’t do. We will seek help from our teacher whenever we need it. We will, with the utmost respect and appreciation, ask our mothers to not carry our hardships for us and, instead, learn to solve them ourselves.
If you have kids within the 10 to 18 year old range, you may have heard statements like these concerning corporate worship with your local church:
The sermons are too long/boring/confusing.
The pastor isn’t funny/relevant/engaging.
I can’t sit still for that long.
I don’t like the music.
No one my age is there; it’s only old people.
You’ve likely heard statements like these because kids in church make them all the time. You can relax a little bit, it’s not just your kids.
It’s not uncommon for kids to struggle with corporate worship. The reasons for this can vary. Sometimes there is room for the church to improve in how they disciple kids in their gathering. It is easy for pastors or leaders to ignore the fact that kids are present in the worship gathering. It isn’t unusual for kids to go unmentioned, unspoken to, or all-together ignored in the preparation for and practice of the various elements of the church’s worship service.
Most of the time, however, I think the problem lays within this one reality: our kids are immature, untrained, unformed. Our children are, well, children. They need to be taught, trained, and prepared by their parents if they’re going to derive any benefit from corporate worship. Kids need to be discipled by their parents if they’re going to gain anything from the discipleship of their church. It will be difficult for any kid to benefit from their church’s discipling efforts if their parents’ discipling efforts are weak or non-existent.
So, what exactly can parents do to help their child go from enduring church to enjoying and growing from it?
Teach Them About the Church
What we belief about the church will determine how we relate to the church. If the church is a spiritual grocery store, we need only visit her when we are lacking some spiritual commodity and can ignore her completely if we don’t. If the church is simply a place to get spiritually juiced (i.e. inspired) then we need only participate inasmuch as we need a-juicing. If we can get juiced from Christians Podcasts or YouTube they we need not bother with church at all. Our participation with the local church (or lack thereof) is downstream of our beliefs about the local church. If you want to your kids to participate with the church, you must ensure they understand the truth about the church. Your kids won’t value church unless they learn what it is and why its valuable. They won’t learn unless you teach them.
Teach your kids that the church is God’s family that he’s adopted believers into (Galatians 4:4-7). Help them understand that God saves believers into his family (the church; 1 Corinthians 12:12-13) and that he commands them to love his family (the church) like he does through using their gifts to practically help members of the church follow Jesus and grow up in him (1 Corinthians 12:1-11). Explain that God want to bless and grow our faith and love through the church’s ministry of preaching, teaching, ordinances, singing, fellowship, and pastoral care (Colossians 1:24-28; Ephesians 4:11). Make sure your kids understand Jesus’ love for the local church, our responsibility to the local church, and the blessings God gives us in the local church. In great love, God doesn’t want us to live like spiritual orphans, but to join and enjoy his family, the church.
Once your kids begin to understand the nature, necessity, beauty, and value of the local church, it will begin the important work of changing the way they approach worshiping with her on Sundays.
Train Them to Worship With the Church
Just as someone having a good understanding of marriage doesn’t mean they’re personally ready to have a healthy marriage, so having a good theology of church doesn’t mean someone is equipped to have a healthy relationship with the church. Your kids don’t only need to be taught sound doctrine (1 Timothy 6:1-3), but they need to be trained how to live according to sound doctrine (Titus 2:1). After teaching must come training.
The best kind of training is based on this invitation: “Imitate me.” The best way to help your kids make the most of corporate worship is by watching you do it. Try telling your kid, “Hey, I know church can sometimes be hard for you, but I want you to watch and imitate me to learn how to make the most of church on Sundays.” Tell them to watch how you listen to the sermons (leaning forward, undistracted, writing down notes, nodding along), how you sing lustily and contribute your voice along with the rest of the congregation, how you pray, and how you fellowship with other believers. Then, after they watch you, take some time to talk about what you were doing and why.
Some are uncomfortable to tell other believers, even our children, to imitate us, but we shouldn’t. Paul told the Corinthians, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1) and gave the same command to the Thessalonians (2 Thessalonians 3:7-9). The author of Hebrews says that all believers should imitate the faith of their pastors and leaders (Hebrews 13:7). Yes, you’re not perfect, but you are the most influential figure in your child’s life. If your worship on Sunday morning isn’t worthy of imitation, then it’s time to stop fooling around and repent. But if you give yourself fully to your church family on Sunday, then it’s time to loving look at your kid and say, “Follow my lead as I follow Christ.”
To give you some more to practical counsels to consider on how to actively participate with your church, check this very helpful piece out.
Prepare Them for Worship With the Church
Even if your kids have the right knowledge about the church and good training for how to worship with the church, they still need your regular and consistent help to prepare them to make the most out of corporate worship with the church.
Toward that end, here are some practical tips:
Take care of practical needs before service. Sleep, breakfast, and restroom. Your kids aren’t floating souls, but embodied souls. The state of their body will affect the state of their souls. Help them get enough sleep the night before, enjoy a sufficient breakfast to keep their tummies from rumbling, and guide them to the restroom before service begins so as to avoid a mid-service exit.
Supply your kids with helpful materials. Bible and pen at least. Maybe a notebook? The more your kids can use their eyes and hands along with their ear, the more they’ll take in. Also, writing notes inside their Bibles is a great way to help track with the sermon and stick close to the text.
Read the Scripture passage your pastor will be preaching from together. Assuming your church knows what will be preached beforehand, consider reading the passage Saturday night with the family. Ask them what stick out, what’s confusing, what’s interesting, and what they hope to hear. This will help them have things to listen for in the sermon and give them a better familiarity with the text.
Pray as a family before you leave the house for church. Pray that God would draw close to you as you all draw close to him (James 4:8), that he would teach, rebuke, correct, and train your family and your church family through his word (2 Timothy 3:16). Pray that he would make you ready to fulfill the works he has prepared for you at church (Eph. 2:10). Pray for your pastor, the sermon, the overall worship. Pray!
Work hard to make Sunday morning unhurried and peaceful. Rushed, hectic, or harsh mornings will dramatically affect Sunday worship. Wake up early enough to help serve your family prior to church. Ensure that all the morning’s needs are prepared to be fulfilled in an orderly and peaceful fashion so that you can peacefully get to church 15 minutes early rather than chaotically show up 30 minutes late.
Give your kids specific “missions” to accomplish during and after service. If your kids need a bit more guidance, give them little “missions” for different parts of the gathering. Tell them to write down the main message of the sermon in one sentence. Ask them to come up with a question or two about the text/sermon that you could ask the pastor about afterward. Encourage them to introduce themself to one new person during the greeting time. Come up with concrete, specific goals to accomplish so they’re trained to be actively, instead of passively, involved.
Share how God blessed your heart during worship. After worship, share genuine ways God blesssed you. Maybe a certain song, prayer, text, or part of the sermon affected you. Share it with your family. Savor God’s grace in front of them. This often becomes an invitation for them to do likewise in the future.
I am sure there are loads of other ways you could effectively help prepare your family to make the most of corporate worship. Consider leaving some other ideas in the comments. But, the point is clear: there is great wisdom and love in preparing your family to worship God in Christ with the church.
If your kids are struggling to enjoy or benefit from corporate worship on Sunday morning, avoid blame shifting (the pastor is boring, the youth ministry is ineffective, there isn’t the right program, etc.). Instead, ask yourself this question: “What can I do to teach, train, or prepare my kids to make the most out of corporate worship?” Once you get some answers, onward!
Sometimes we talk so abstractly about “love” that we fail to practice it well in normal life. At least, I know that is true of me.
So, I thought it’d be edifying for me to knock out a few very concrete and practical ways that I can actually love my church family in real life and not just in the sentimental (but ineffective) part of my brain.
Go to Church 95% of the Time
You don’t avoid being with people you love. If a dad avoids his kids, he has a deficient love. If a woman never wants to be with her husband, she has a deficient love. Lack of presence reveals a lack of love.
On the other hand, intentional presence reveals love (you seek to be with people you want to bless) and provides the basic foundation from which we can obey the “one anothers” that God commands us to do. Good luck trying to serve (Gal. 5:13), forgive (Col. 3:13), be patient with (Eph. 4:2), encourage (1 Thess. 5:11), stir up (Heb. 10:24), care for (1 Cor. 12:25), or sing to one another (Eph. 5:29) without being in the same room.
So, love your church family by showing up. Arrange your life so that you only miss church on the rarest of occasions (3%-5% of the year). Otherwise, you’re not loving them well.
Get to Church 15 Minutes Early (Or At Least on Time)
I understand that getting to church on time can be a challenge, but that doesn’t mean we should be OK with it. We won’t likely show up late to movies, restaurant reservations, ball games, concerts, weddings, or other events we deem important or enjoyable. So, why would we become OK with regularly showing up late to worshiping the One we know to be infinitely more valuable than all those things combined.
Even more, though, I’d suggest you love your church by not just showing up to worship on time, but 15 minutes early so you can be a warm face to greet visitors, make them feel welcome, answer any questions they have, and possibly offer to sit with them. Imagine the love visitors would feel when they walk into church 10 minutes before it starts and they were embraced by believers looking out for them and ready to receive them. Pretty powerful, I’d say.
Worship Leaning Forward, Not Leaning Back
The gathered worship of God’s people is not a spectator sport where you watch the pros in action, but a team sport where you, along with everyone present, actively fix your eyes on Christ, sing your praises, pray your prayers, hear His Word, and magnify His name. So, love your church family by actively participating in every part of service: pray sincerely, listen to Scripture reading & the sermon hungrily, and sing lustily. Nod or say your “Amens” to the prayers or preaching. Tattoo your Bible with notes that you want your future self to read. Sing in a way that puts college football fight songs to shame. When you walk into your place of worship, gear up and get ready for the glorious activity of receiving all God has for you.
Stick Around Church (At Least) 15 Minutes After Service
Now, if going to church is only about what you get out of it, then by all means, book it to your car as fast as you can because there likely isn’t anything prepared for you after the service is done. But, if you’re interested in being used by God to build up your brothers and sisters, engage with non-believers or visitors, and find opportunities to bring the light of Christ to whomever God may have prepared for you, then stick around a solid 15 and keep your eyes and heart open.
Develop Friendships in Your Church
Friendship takes time, energy, & intention. What better people to befriend and cultivate deep friendships than the people in your local church family God has brought you to and with whom you are committed to love? Eat dinner with them. Drink wine and beer and coffee and whatever with them. Play board games, go on picnics, compete in sports with them. Building Christ-like friendships with people in your church will not only bless them and you, but it will build your church by weaving hearts together.
Give Lots of Money to Your Church
It is a father’s duty to provide for his family. It is your duty to, according to your means and cheerfulness, provide for your church family. Give generously and consistently to your church. Money keeps the lights on, the rent paid, the pastors/staff cared for so the church can continue to be cared for, taught, equipped, counseled, and loved by them. Be a cheerful giver to your local church. If you don’t, who will?
Respect, Follow, & Obey Your Pastors (and Other Established Leaders)
Assuming they’re leading you according to God’s Word, trust them, follow them, and support them. Don’t fall into the trap of making your functional pastors be those whose YouTube Channels or Podcasts you listen to, but the actual flesh and blood men God has gifted your church with. Podcast sermons are great. Big fan of having access to faithful preaching, but the men you hear through the Interwebs don’t know you, your family, your life, your strengths, or your sins. They can bless you with truth, but they are entirely unable to shepherd you. But, your local pastors can if you let them. So, in your heart, make sure your Podcast preachers are not your functional pastors, but your actual pastors are. Jesus has given them to you for your joy & growth (Ephesians 4:11). Trust them, obey them, see yourself as especially responsible to listen to them and bring joy to them. Remember, Hebrews 13:17 is still in the Bible. Go with the grain of God’s discipleship design.
Now, brothers and sisters, you’ve likely failed to love your church in one or more or all of these ways. That’s important to recognize so you can repent and get back to following the way of Jesus. But, make sure to see your shortcomings and sins in light of the cross. God has atoned for the sins of your lovelessness through Christ. He paid for even these sins. By all means, see them, repent of them, and bury them in the sea of atoning blood so you can, from there, seek to love your church as Christ loves them in the largest and smallest of ways.
So, fulfill the most basic duties of a family member: be present, be intentional, & love with action instead of sentiment.
A Pilgrim's Friend 