I think most of us would like to help the youths of our day grow in wisdom, but sometimes our little nuggets of advice aren’t actually helpful. Occasionally, our sagely counsel, though thoroughly well-intentioned, ends up hamstringing them.

In my limited experience as a teacher, professor, and pastor, here are five things I’d advise us to stop advising.

“Sow your wild oats”

Sin dishonors God, even teenage sin. It enslaves and corrupts those who practice or nourish it. The more our kids sin the easier and more regular it becomes. Encouraging, permitting, waving off, or chuckling at teenage folly — sexual immorality, drunkenness, violence, or other high school debaucheries — will only establish those cravings, desires, and behaviors deep in their heart so they bear fruit well into their future.

Their teen years are entrusted them by God to love him and others. Do we really want to be telling our kids to foolishly steward the resources of their king in a way that dishonors him? Imagine if there was a fourth guy in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) who didn’t bury his talent, but spent it on bud light, porn, and vape pens. I shudder to think.

Let’s make this wisdom great again, “Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth” (Eccesiastes 12:1).

“Get good grades”

Don’t encourage your kids to get good grades. Encourage them to cultivate their ability to think (reason), their ability to live according to truth (wisdom), and the kind of person they are (character). Stop asking, “How are your grades?” and start asking, “How are you growing?” Stop caring about report cards that won’t matter a lick to you or them ten years from now. Care about the character and wisdom that will matter every day of their gosh darn life.

Training your kid to focus on grades will help them be compliant slaves ready and able to obey whatever master comes their way. They’ll live only to get the promised treat or avoid the threatened consequence, which is a life that’s far removed from wisdom. Instead, if you focus on growing mental and moral virtues, they’ll flourish as free people wherever they’re planted (likely getting good grades to boot) and continue growing well into the future. The aim of education for the Christian is not a good GPA, but becoming human fully alive to better reflect and live like the God whose image they bear.

“Don’t get married too young”

We tell them, “Take time to travel,” “find yourself,” be independent,” or “just have some fun.” There are two implications behind this counsel: marriage is a bummer and you can always get married later. Both of those are wrong.

First, God makes clear in Scripture and in the world that marriage is a gift to be honored, prepared for, and sought out as early as one’s maturity and circumstance qualifies them. In fact, marriage is one of God’s most powerful ways that he matures us! It isn’t a bummer, but a blessing. Second, the more one waits for marriage the less likely it becomes. The options are fewer and the social groups they’re a part of become smaller. If anything, waiting only increases the pressure for folks to settle for a spouse that is less than desirable. Supply and demand doesn’t just work in economics, but relationships as well.

Instead, we should teach our each kids what God says: marriage is a blessing that enriches and matures them and they should wisely seek a spouse as early as circumstances permit. It’s a gift to be enjoyed, not a curse to endure or push off.

“Wait for kids”

Same logic as above. It is folly to train our kids to see God’s gifts as anything else but that. Kids are blessings (Psalm 127:3-5). God loves when we have babies (Genesis 1:28). Jesus loved kids (Matthew 19:14). Practically, having kids early gives your children the gift of younger, stronger, more energetic parents well into their adulthood. Does this mean that having kids later in life is wrong? Not at all! It means having kids is good and we should celebrate when young married folk are excited to increase their tribe as early as possible.

“But,” one may say, “having kids will keep you from doing things for yourself like traveling, having more money, making progress in your career.” Yea, there will be sacrifices to make to have children. But, isn’t that, like, love? Someone (Jesus) once said, “It is better to give than receive.” If he was right (he was), maybe the good life we seek won’t be found in focusing on our wants, but the true good of others?

Maybe, good gifts are just that: good. It’s wise to teach our kids to chase after good things.

“You have to go college”

If they have a goal college will help them accomplish like becoming a doctor, lawyer, professor, etc., then, for sure. But, if your child is aimless or their work aspirations don’t call for it (e.g. they’d like to do a trade instead or become a homemaker), don’t tell them to go to college, it’s a waste of their time and resources.

Consider how many young adults have gone through college only to end up in jobs that don’t necessitate that degree (art majors working as secretaries, business majors working construction, communications majors working for insurance) or to become homemakers burdened with debt. The pursuit of higher education in such cases gives the illusion of progress but results in accruing debt and wasting time during crucial years.

Instead, encourage your kids to grow in virtue and knowledge (it can be done without college or formal schooling, and sometimes even better). If they don’t have a plan, guide them to start working in some area they’re interested for experience, knowledge, and a better idea of where they want to be in the future. Teach them to fulfill their responsibilities, to love God, family, and church, and to invest their time and money in something that’s truly meaningful for their lives now and well into the future. College is good for those who need it, not so much if they’ve no idea or plan on how to use it.

Becoming a Christian isn’t only learning the new, sweet things of Jesus, but unlearning the old things of the world. Like our clothes, we need to daily put on his wisdom and put off the world’s stupidity. It’s crucial that we don’t just nod along to the popular beliefs of our day but, instead, drag every single one of our old, crusty ideas into the sanitizing light of God’s truth. If we do this right, the kids we’re guiding will be grateful we didn’t leave them wallowing in the same old muck we grew up with.