Marriage is widely treated as a merely religious institution, defended by believers and dismissed by everyone else as a sectarian preference.

The following is a fictional conversation between two high school juniors about marriage. It is based on a real conversation I had with my own Bible class this week. You’ll notice, no Bible is opened for the vast majority of the conversation. No argument from religious authority is made.

What they arrive at together, through nothing but careful thinking, is that marriage is not a doctrine belonging to religion alone, but a discovery about something built into the very fabric of human nature and society.

It Was Soup Day

Mr. Dill’s classroom was carpeted, with one big oval table where all sixteen students sat together. The students who saw Bible class as a waste of time and strongly believed it should be an easy “A” did not like this set-up. It made it hard to zone out. Eye contact was basically unavoidable. Messing around was nearly impossible. Mr. Dill, a teacher who loved learning and detested the mere appearance of it, liked it that way.

He’d just finished walking his junior theology class through the Christian doctrine of marriage. The room had that particular quiet that meant either nobody cared or everybody was processing. Mr. Dill never knew which one it was. Hard to tell with high schoolers.

The bell rang and the students started packing up with peculiar speed. Lunch time had begun. Knowing it was soup day and Chef Baird’s specialty was hot and ready, time was of the essence.

A Courageous Question

Abel, a skinny boy with one of those haircuts that looks like a bird’s nest was tightly glued on his head, tossed his notebook into his bag. He looked to his friend next to him at the table, Ethan, a friendly football player and no-too-bad guitarist. He too was packing his things like there was a fire. Making sure Mr. Dill couldn’t hear, he whispered.

ABEL. Okay so that was kind of a lot.

ETHAN. What do you mean?

ABEL. Mr. Dill. His whole thing. Like, I get that he has his view, but he basically just said gay marriage isn’t real marriage. That’s kind of a big claim to just lay out like that. A little extra.

ETHAN. Interesting. I take it you think gay marriage is a good thing?

Abel blinked. Ethan can be a bit too traditional and overly religious in his view. He’d been expecting push back, but not a question. Annoying.

ABEL. I mean, yea, because, like, people should be able to love whoever they love. That’s just basic. Love is love. What kind of psycho would be against love?

ETHAN. Okay. Do you think Mr. Dill hates love?

ABEL. Well, no. I wouldn’t say it like that. But, given what he just laid out, he wants to limit love only to the special folks he and his book allows. He discriminates. “Marriage for me, but not for thee” kind of vibes.

ETHAN. Hm.

Abel opened his mouth. Closed it. He thought Ethan was cool, but now he was considering he may be wrong. Is Ethan homophobic?

Definitions Matter

ETHAN. I got a burning question. Is a blorg good or bad?

ABEL. What’s a blorg?

ETHAN. Don’t respond with a question. Answer my question first. Is a blorg good or bad?

ABEL. What’s a…

ETHAN. I said you had to answ….

ABEL. I don’t know what a blorg is! I can’t say if it’s good or bad unless I know what the heck it is!

ETHAN. That’s the point.

ABEL. You’re so weird and frustrating.

Ethan laughed and threw his arm around his friend.

ETHAN. My point is, you can’t evaluate something you haven’t defined. You called Mr. Dill’s view too narrow, but compared to what? You need a definition before you can say whether something is or isn’t that thing. Before anyone can say gay marriage is good or bad, right or wrong, what do we have to do first?

ABEL. … Define marriage?

How Are Babies Made?

ETHAN. My guy! So, what is the only way a child can be made?

ABEL. Dude, we’re juniors. Even if we’ve lived under a rock until now, we covered this in Dr. Gaunt’s anatomy class. A guy and a girl.

ETHAN. Right. A man and a woman is the only relationship that has the power to reproduce. That’s not Bible, that’s just biology.

ABEL. I thought we were defining marriage. Why are we talking biology and not opening dictionary.com?

ETHAN. This is more fun. And if we take out our phones Dr. Pinto will appear from no where an slam us because of the no-phone policy. We’re getting there, so chill. So, back to biology. Should society care about kids being born?

ABEL. Yeah. Mrs. Simons was literally just talking about this. Like the greying generation thing, how there aren’t enough young people coming up to support all the old people. Social security, healthcare, production, services and all of that. Society kind of needs lots of babies or the whole thing starts breaking down.

ETHAN. Wow, you listened to Simons? Cookie for you.

Abel socked Ethan in the arm.

ABEL. Shut up.

What Does a Kid Need?

ETHAN. But births aren’t the only thing needed to keep things rolling in society. The kids have to be taken care of, right?

Ethan laughed.

ABEL. Duh. If they aren’t then they take more resources from other members of society. Also, if they’re not raised well they’ll have a harder time getting educated, jobs, and maybe even get into some trouble.

ETHAN. Totally, so if a guy and a girl have a kid, we should want to do everything we can to make sure those kids don’t rot, but actually flourish.

ABEL. Yep.

ETHAN. Ok, so what kind of home life does that best?

ABEL. Easy, two stable parents to balance the time, energy, and resources needed to care for the kids.

ETHAN. Are a mom and a dad interchangeable? Like, does it not matter which?

ABEL. I think what matters is that the parents are loving. Gender doesn’t really change that.

ETHAN. Love is definitely important and necessary, but that doesn’t answer the question. Are dads and moms different? If a kid is motherless or fatherless, is that unimportant?

ABEL. (slower) … I wouldn’t say it like that.

ETHAN. The data on father absence is pretty rough. Higher crime, more kids in prison, more behavioral problems.

ABEL. Ok, let’s say a kid has two dads. Problem fixed. If fathers are so important, maybe even better?

ETHAN. Ouch to the ladies, bro. So, you think women are unimportant?

ABEL. You know that’s not what I meant.

ETHAN. So you think moms and dads are important for kids? Like, we shouldn’t intentionally make kids fatherless or motherless?

ABEL. Yes, motherlessness or fatherlessness are bummers. They shouldn’t be plans.

ETHAN. I agree. Moms and a dads aren’t just two interchangeable parts. They bring different things to the table. That’s not a religious take, that’s the data and, like, fifteen seconds of human experience.

Abel agreed and it annoyed him.

ETHAN. So, only a man and woman can make a baby and the best care for the baby is to be raised by his mom and dad. Right?

ABEL. Yes.

ETHAN. Should the mom and dad’s relationship be permanent or just long-lasting?

ABEL. Permanent, I guess. A commitment that might end isn’t really stable. If one of the parents bail, no matter the kids age, it definitely wouldn’t be a plus.

More the Merrier?

ETHAN. Agreed. Now, why two parents instead of three or four or more? More parents, more contribution, right?

ABEL. Like a commune situation where all the adults are parents? Cult vibes. Or like the “thruples” — a three person relationship. I saw one of those on TikTok! Weird, but not sure if that’s a bad thing. What do you think?

ETHAN. Well, a good relationship is about mutual self-giving. A third or fourth person brought into a relationship doesn’t add to that, it divides it. Think about polygamy. Do you think Solomon was the best husband to all 700 of his wives? Or, did you know Bob Marley, the musician, had 11 children with 7 different women?

ABEL. So much for “one love”!

They laughed.

ETHAN. My point is, do you think Solomon or Bob gave their wives and kids the best of their time, love, and attention and treated them all equally?

ABEL. No possible way. Even if the kids and partners got equal time and energy, it would be sliced into such thin pieces that they’d be familiar strangers at best. I see your point, more love — in terms of parents and kids in the family — is actually less love. Not ideal.

ETHAN. I think I agree. I think each kid needs a mom and dad who are ride-or-die till death and that relationship needs to be exclusive. No open enrollment. Now, are any of those realities religious?

ABEL. Nope. No Bible verses or spiritual stuff to be found.

Discovering a Definition

ETHAN. Exactly. So far, this is what we’ve agreed on. Only a man and woman can make a baby.

ABEL. Again, duh.

ETHAN. And the best care for that baby is the mom and dad committing to a permanent, monogamous, and exclusive relationship.

ABEL. Yea.

ETHAN. Ok, so we should have a name for this unique and important relationship between a man and woman since there is no other relationship like it?

ABEL. Yea, unique names are given to unique things.

ETHAN. What should we call that?

ABEL. (quietly) Marriage.

Ethan smiled and laughed.

Ethan Sides With the Devil, for a Moment

ETHAN. Let me be an advocate for the devil real quick. I don’t usually like helping him, but let’s get wild.

ABEL. Proceed, Satan’s little helper.

ETHAN. What about a man and woman who get married but can’t have kids? Infertility is real. Does that mean their marriage isn’t a real marriage?

ABEL. I mean… no. That feels wrong to say.

ETHAN. Why?

ABEL. Because they are committed to and have the only kind of relationship that can produce and best raise children. All the pieces are there, it’s just that something isn’t working as it should. Like, the ability is built into what they are together, something is just broken. The infertile man and woman are like my car. It has a broken engine, but it is still a car.

ETHAN. That’s solid. Broken cars are still cars. A bike with a flat tire can’t be used to its fullest, but it is still a bike. The definition of marriage is about the kind of relationship they have. Even though the reproduction part is broken, it doesn’t erase the relationship itself as long as it has the basics.

Abel nodded. He was happy to avoid another philosophical jiu jitsu move from Ethan.

Getting Religious

ETHAN. And, to make it clear, we got there without opening a Bible once. Pure reason. Now, does Scripture say anything different?

ABEL. No. Mr. Dill showed from class today that Genesis 2 teaches basically the same thing.

ETHAN. Right, it does. So does the Bible just confirm what reason already found or does it add something reason couldn’t get to on its own?

ABEL. I’m not sure.

ETHAN. That’s actually the right answer. Reason gets you to the definition of marriage, but Scripture tells you what it ultimately means: that marriage is made to be a living picture Christ and the church. Logic can get you to what marriage is, but not the ultimate answer about why it is. But, we can leave that for another conversation.

Abel nodded and quietly watched Mr. Dill whose back was turned to him and was weirdly still erasing the board.

Back to the Beginning

Ethan broke the silence and leaned forward.

ETHAN. It’s soup day. We should go. But, before we do, let’s go back to where we started. Is gay marriage good?

Abel was experiencing that uncomfortable feeling that happens when logic starts battling with your feelings. He did not like it, but instead of retreating, he stayed the course. Although his feelings were powerful, he knew they weren’t as trustworthy as truth.

ABEL. That question hits different now. I guess, what stands out now is, if marriage is a relationship between a man and woman, then gay marriage isn’t good or bad, it’s impossible.

ETHAN. I think you’re right. Asking if gay marriage is good is like asking someone’s view on married bachelors.

Abel went silent for a moment.

ABEL. I want to be honest though. Saying that out loud is hard. I have people in my life I care about who are in same-sex relationships and they seem genuinely happy. It doesn’t feel good to say their marriage isn’t actually a marriage. Those feelings don’t just go away because the logic is clean.

ETHAN. I don’t think your feelings or care about them should go away. Caring about people and thinking clearly aren’t enemies. You can do both. The hard part is not letting one of them bully the other into silence.

ABEL. That’s really good. Yea. Right now, I feel uncomfortable saying it, but I am having a hard time denying it.

ETHAN. Yeah. Thinking things through can get a bit scary, can’t it? I think that’s why people try to not do it often. It threatens the comfortable bubble we’ve created.

ABEL. Well, soup?

ETHAN. Lead the way.

They grabbed their bags and headed for the door. Outside was loud with the particular chaos of a hundred teenagers suddenly freed and enjoying soup day. Abel held the door and let Ethan through first, saying nothing. There was nothing left to say, not yet. The conversation had done its work. What he did with it now was up to him.

Mr. Dill finally finished erasing his now very clean board. He set the eraser down, sat at his desk, shut his eyes, and smiled at nothing in particular.