One time, as I was reading through Deuteronomy, I was struck by this passage:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” Deuteronomy 24:5

God so desires happy marriages, he commanded that a young, newly married man be allowed to stay home during war so he could “be happy with his wife.” Gary Thomas rightly notes that the purpose of marriage is not ultimately about your happiness, but your holiness. However, that doesn’t mean marital happiness is unimportant to God. God desires our marriages be holy and happy.

Two Good Questions

Spouse, are you happy? When you think about your spouse, do you smile? Do you see time spent alone with them as a delightful or dreadful thought? It is good to share finances, goals, responsibilities, and values, but do you share in happiness?

I think an important lesson to learn early in marriage is you can’t control how your spouse feels or what they do. You can control only what you think, feel, or do. So, maybe a better question is, “How are you seeking your spouse’s happiness?” Asking the first question, “Am I happy?” is good for reflection. Asking the second question, “How am I seeking my spouse’s happiness?” is good for action. The first will help you learn where you are. The second will help you get where you want to be.

Ten Great Questions

The passage from Deuteronomy shows us the Lord wants us to pursue our spouse’s joy. But how do we do that? Here are 10 questions to help you reflect on how you may bring your spouse happiness and strengthen your bond in the process.

1. What does my spouse enjoy?

Make a list of things you know your spouse likes. Special foods or treats? A spontaneous and thoughtfully planned date? Take out and a movie at home? Helping with home chores? Time alone to think, read, or exercise? Planning a vacation? Traveling together? Uninterrupted time to talk heart to heart? Once you make the list, make a plan to sprinkle these consistently into your schedule.

2. What does my spouse hate?

We all know what pushes our spouse’s buttons or frustrates them. They’ve likely told you, multiple times. It is good to know what your spouse doesn’t like, but not very helpful if you haven’t stopped doing them. When they share their frustrations, has your response been to ignore them or defend or excuse yourself? Or, has it been to delete those habits from your marriage? You’ll never have a genuinely happy marriage if you keep doing stuff that makes your spouse unhappy.

3. What might your spouse say is one or two things they wish you did more often to make them happy?

Try finishing those projects they’ve patiently requested you to complete. Help around the house. Do their laundry in the way they like. Put your phone away and ask, “What was the best part about your day?” Call the babysitter so you can go on a date and enjoy one another without interruption. Take the lead on planning a vacation or family experience. If you’re unsure, be courageous and ask them, “No judgments or complaints. I love you and want you to be bursting with joy. What are things you’d love for me to more often?”

4. How does my spouse receive love?

Gary Chapman has done everyone a great service in identifying the five love languages: touch, service, gifts, time, and words of affirmation. If you haven’t learned about these, then read or listen up, identify your spouse’s love language (they can take a test here), and learn to start speaking it fluently. Your love won’t go very far if you don’t express it in the language your spouse understands.

5. How do you respond when your spouse is stressed or upset, and could you improve in bringing comfort?

We all respond to conflict differently. Consider how you respond to disagreements with your spouse. Do you pour water or gas on the fire? How does your spouse respond to tense moments? What can you do to deescalate arguments or bring comfort to them in hard times? Here are some wise tips on handling conflict in marriage. Marriage is hard. Not knowing how to work through the hard moments makes it, well, a lot harder.

6. Do I praise my spouse to their face or in front of others?

We celebrate what we value. Does your spouse see your love for them in your celebrations or praises of their achievements or character? Or are your criticisms and complaints more readily offered? Do you celebrate your spouse’s successes, big or small, in a way that makes them feel appreciated? Do you brag about them in front of others? Do you praise them to their face with a smile or a hug? Have your kids heard about how rad mom or dad is from you? The presence of specific praise proves the reality of love.

7. Do I criticize my spouse more than I affirm them?

Think of your words as a relational bank account. Each genuine, specific affirmation is like depositing $10, building intimacy and trust. Every criticism, however, is like withdrawing $100. While constructive feedback is necessary since our spouses aren’t perfect, consistent affirmation ensures your account stays in the positive. This balance makes your feedback more likely to be valued and taken seriously, strengthening your marriage and not draining it.

8. What external obligations might be pulling you away from focusing on your spouse’s happiness?

The Lord has gifted and entrusted us many responsibilities outside of our marriage: work, kids, hobbies, friendships, community service, church, and the like. Though good, if not examined, these things can easily distract us from our most important human relationship: our spouse. Create a list of things that fill your schedule or take up bandwidth in your mind and ask, “Am I allowing these things to compete with my spouse for my attention?” Reorder your pursuits accordingly.

9. Are there things I have done or said that I should apologize for?

Trust is broken when we hurt our spouses. Often times, we respond to our shortcomings in unhealthy ways like ignoring, defending, justifying, minimizing, or blameshifting. Whenever we respond to our faults or weaknesses this way, it widens the wound, making things more painful for them and causing further distance between us. Instead, when your realize you’ve done wrong, learn to say these nine magic words and mean them deep in your bones, “I hurt you. I am sorry. Please forgive me.” You won’t be able to avoid hurting your spouse, but you are able to apologize whenever you do.

10. Are there small, consistent habits I can adopt to ensure I show appreciation for my spouse?

Marriage is like a garden that needs tending each day. What are small, manageable practices you can adopt to water and weed the garden of your marriage? Try brewing their morning coffee exactly how they like it so it’s ready the moment they wake up. Initiate intimacy with enthusiasm and playfulness. Take over a chore they dislike (e.g., washing the dishes after dinner). Setting aside time to watch their favorite show together, giving them your full attention and no snarky commentary! Buy them their favorite snack and leave it on the counter with a note saying “I love you, have the best day!” Give them a shoulder massage after a long day. Plan a short evening walk to chat and reconnect. Clean their car or fill up their gas tank. Leave a warm towel on the bathroom counter for their shower. Small, daily gestures tailored to their preferences are powerful ways to show love, support, and appreciation.

No One Falls Out of Love

A joyful marriage, as Deuteronomy 24:5 reminds us, is God’s design for us and it requires intentional effort, not chance. Gary Thomas once wisely observed, “Couples don’t fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance.” By identifying and repenting of our shortcomings (not our spouse’s!) and taking steps to nourish our marriage, we foster our spouse’s happiness and glorify God.

Brothers and sisters, nurture your marriages. Consider reflecting and taking action on one of these questions this week. Or, maybe you share this blog with your spouse and talk about what you’d love to see happen in your marriage. Whatever you do, remember this: avoid focusing on your spouse’s faults and evaluate your actions. Examine yourself and labor in love for their joy and the Lord’s glory. Happiness awaits.