Last night at our home group, we opened the Word and discussed this past Sunday’s sermon text on 1 John 4:7–21, which offers a compelling picture of where love comes from, what love looks like, and how we can enjoy and express it. It was dope.

The World’s Definition of Love

One of the questions we discussed was, “What are the definitions of love we often see in the world?” Of the many good answers, one struck me with peculiar force:

“Love is unconditional affirmation.”

I think that’s right. There is a widespread belief that loving someone means always accepting and embracing whatever they choose to think, feel, or do and that it’s always unloving to challenge, confront, or correct. This view thinks love should be all sugar and no scalpel.

The Problem with Unconditional Affirmation

In truth, that kind of “love” is lazy, selfish, and utterly unlike the love Christ shows at the cross. Kevin DeYoung describes this well:

“Love is so much more difficult than the bumper stickers make it out to be. It requires so much more than a general sentiment of good will. It is so much deeper and better than unconditional affirmation.

What does unconditional affirmation require of you by way of sacrifice? Nothing. All it requires is a wave of the hand—‘Whatever you do, I’m fine. However you live, that’s fine.’ The problem with unconditional affirmation is not that it is too lavishly loving, but that it is not nearly loving enough.

When God tells us to love our brothers, he means more than saying, ‘I’m okay. You’re okay. Whatever you do is fine and I don’t judge.’ To really love your brother is to lay down your life for him. It requires you to die to yourself, which may mean a sacrifice of your time, your reputation, and your comfort. Unconditional affirmation only asks that you sacrifice your principles.”

Indeed, true love accepts others as they are, but it cares too much to leave them that way. Sometimes, when someone is being foolish or destructive, love leaves their side and gets in their face for their good.

The Cost of True Love

Love is harder than we think. Of course, we love our kids, our grandkids, and those who treat us well. We love nice people. But Jesus says even the pagans do this. It’s not hard. People naturally love those who love them.

The real test is this:

• Will we keep loving when it means bearing burdens we’d rather avoid?
• Will we love when the people we love do not love us in return?
• Will we lay down our lives for those who are unlovely, undeserving, and ungrateful?

Isn’t that what Christ did for us? When we were unlovely, undeserving, and ungrateful, Christ died for us. He loved us not because we were holy, but so that we might be holy. His love was self-sacrificing, sin-atoning, and life-transforming.

He loves us with a love that the world does not understand—and it is infinitely better than unconditional affirmation.

A Better Kind of Love

Christians are products of a love that isn’t unconditional affirmation, but selfless confrontation. The love of Jesus compelled Him not only to be our sacrifice, but also to convict us of sin in the deepest places of our hearts. His is a love that would not affirm us, but interfered with us. And for that reason, His people will sing His eternal praise.