I think (I hope) all Christians know gossip is sin. If you don’t, read the Bible for like 5 seconds (Psalm 34:13; Proverbs 10:26; 15:4; 18:13; Ephesians 4:29).

What exactly is gossip, you may ask? I like Matthew Mitchell’s definition, “Gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back from a bad heart.” Its content is sensitive or negative. Its manner is secretive or subversive. Its source is an evil heart with evil motives. Nasty stuff.

Gossip is not only nasty. It’s incredibly destructive. It twists the truth as our reports often get exaggerated in the retelling. It erodes trust by causing people to wonder about what you say about them in their absence. Gossip harms reputations by spreading accusations the person can’t possibly defend themselves against. It divides relationships by planting suspicion and causing resentment. Even more, gossip poisons your own heart by training you to focus on or search out flaws instead of believing the best of others. Of all the sins that can destroy us, our families, or our churches, gossip is high on the list.

A good question follows, how do we know we’re gossiping and not just having appropriate conversation? Sometimes we need to speak about the sensitive issues others are dealing with. Sometimes bad news is important to share, even in the absence of the person in question. How can I tell the difference between appropriate conversation about sensitive issues concerning others and gossip?

Questions to Ask Ourselves Before We Speak of Others

Whether you want to talk with a co-worker, friend, fellow church member, pastor, or spouse, here are a few questions that will help you discern when gossip is possibly afoot.

Why do I want to share this?

Your motive is a major clue. Ask, “What do I want my words to accomplish?” Are you seeking wisdom for a hard relationship or just the pleasure of “spilling the tea”? Are you aiming at the other person’s good or trying to bond a relationship over juicy news? Normal conversation informs, encourages, corrects, or counsels. Gossip aims at personal pleasure, personal street cred, or someone else’s pain.

Is this necessary?

Is this information truly essential to the person you’re telling? Do they actually need it in order to love, protect, support, or pray for someone? If the information doesn’t equip them to do good, then it doesn’t need to be shared. In most cases, if it doesn’t help them act in love, it’s better left unsaid.

Will this help or harm the person?

Does sharing this make the person look worse without giving them any chance to respond? Will my words honor or harm their reputation or relationships? Remember Paul’s wisdom, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” A pastor once noted, “The greatest threat to a typical church is not the adulterer but the gossip, who may be outwardly blameless but is inwardly ravenous.” Ask, “Are these building or breaking words?”

Would I say this in front of the person?

I had a seminary professor who wisely said, “Flattery is saying something to someone’s face that you’d never say behind their back. Gossip is saying something behind someone’s back that you’d never say to their face.” If you’d change your tone, soften your words, or avoid the conversation entirely if they were present, that’s a check engine light.

Am I planning to speak to the person?

Jesus told us that when someone sins against us we should, “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matt. 18:15). I love this because it shows he cares about us being sinned against and equally cares about the reputation and relationships of the person who sinned against us. Notice, he says go and tell him his fault, “between you and him alone.” Gossip flips the script. It leads us to tell everyone what we perceive to be their fault except the person in question. If you aren’t willing to talk to someone, don’t talk about them.

How will this affect the listener?

A forgotten victim of gossip is the listener. If they’re gossiped to then their views are distorted, their judgments warped, their feelings manipulated, and their ability to care hindered by the delectable secret words we share. You may be upset at or seek the harm of the person you want to speak about, but why hurt your listener too? The question we earlier applies to the listener as well, “Will these words help, hinder, or harm them?”

Would I feel fine if the listener told others I shared this?

A major red flag of gossip is when we say, “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but…” If we want our words to remain a secret then it’s likely our words are evil or we’re sharing information that is not ours to share. But, Luke 12:2–3 reminds us that even when we think no one finds out about our gossip, it will someday be revealed. As a rule, assume whoever you speak with will publish your conversation with your name writ large on Facebook and speak accordingly.

Am I the right person to talk about this?

There will be things that happen in your circles that you care about, but have no ability to do anything about. If you hear about someone’s marriage struggles or home life tensions or other sensitive information, that doesn’t mean it’s your information to share. If you’ve no place or way to help with a situation, then pray about it, but don’t gossip about it.

What If Someone Is Gossiping to Me?

Keeping ourselves from gossip is one essential habit we must cultivate for love’s sake. Keeping others from gossiping is a second, equally important duty. Here are some ways how.

1. Accept Your Responsibility to Stop Gossip

If someone starts to gossip with you, you must understand it is your responsibility to stop it immediately. For your sake and theirs, cultivate a reputation as someone who doesn’t tolerate gossip. A culture of truthful, loving words at work, church, or home can only grow when we refuse to share and listen to gossip. Allowing gossip is just as harmful as participating in it.

2. Remind Them of Their Responsibility to Not Gossip

When someone begins to share gossip with you, learn to ask, “Have you talked to this person or do you plan on talking to this person?” If they say no to either, then respond, “Then I don’t think you should be sharing it with me or anyone else.” It sounds harsh. It will feel awkward. It may offend them and cause some tension, but it’s worth it. Think of how you’d want someone to respond if they heard gossip about you. Would you not feel loved that they shut it down firmly? Remember, we should love the innocent by protecting them and love the sinner by rebuking them. It is cowardly and cruel to both the gossiper and the gossiped about to allow gossip to go on unchecked.

3. Help Them Understand What Is and Is Not Gossip

If the person doesn’t realize they’re gossiping, gently ask some of the questions above. If it was unintentional, they’ll likely appreciate the insight. If it was intentional, you’ve shown them tough love. Will it stop them from gossiping to others? Maybe, maybe not. But at the very least, it makes them aware of what they’re doing and that it’s wrong. Do your part, and let the Holy Spirit handle the rest.

4. Remember, Gossipers Gossip About Everyone, Including You

Maybe one more insight is needed. It is easy to forge bonds with people through the ugly glue of gossip. We feel we’re on the inside circle. It’s a thrilling sensation when people share weighty secrets with us. It feels good, like heroin (I imagine). However, cure yourself of the desire to accept someone’s sinful confidence by remembering, “If they’re willing to gossip about others, they’ll be willing to gossip about you.” Is that the kind of friend you want? If someone recognizes and repents of their gossip, be gracious and willing to build trust if they continue to stay away from it. But, learn to avoid those with unrepentant wagging tongues for your own sake and the sake of those you love.

Mark Twain once quipped something like, “A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can get its pants on.” Your tongue is a beautifully powerful thing able to bring life or cause death. Satan and his kin wield words to distort and destroy (John 8:44). God uses his words to create and build (Genesis 1). Brother and sister, remember who your father is and talk like him.