I’ve served in local church ministry for a season as a member, on staff, and as a pastor in two different churches. Serving the church is a glorious thing. It is also, at times, a terribly hard thing.

One of the challenges pastors face is the normal conflict that arises within a congregation, including criticism directed at them or their leadership decisions. This is not necessarily wrong, but it is often difficult. It becomes even harder when concerns are communicated in unhelpful or unclear ways.

How Not to Seek a Meeting With Your Pastor

Recently, a pastor collected all the most unhelpful and stomach-churning ways people have sought a meeting with him about an issue and put them in one long and supreme example.

This is how not to seek a meeting with your pastor about a concern.

“Hey brother,

So, I’ve been sitting with this for a bit, and I want to be thoughtful in how I say it. Out of an abundance of caution, and truly for the sake of unity, I feel like we need to have a conversation.

I want to start by offering affirmation. I don’t doubt your sincerity or your desire to be authentic. I’m coming to you as a brother, and I’m trying very intentionally to be charitable and helpful here. This isn’t easy to write, and I hope you can hear it in the spirit it’s intended.

Some people came to me over the weekend with concerns about a few tweets you shared. I want to be careful not to overstate things, but multiple people independently described the content as alarming in tone. A couple of them specifically said it felt like it carried racist and fascist overtones. I’m not saying that’s your heart or your intent, but the perception is there, and perception has real impact.

They just feel hurt. Deeply. And, frankly, it hurts my heart to even say that, because I care about you and about our broader community. I find this troubling not just on a personal level, but because of what it could mean for the emotional wellbeing of people who are already carrying a lot of trauma.

I’m wondering, again, an honest question, if you’ve paused to consider how this lands given the power differential involved. Whether we like it or not, your voice carries weight, and some may feel unsafe or unempowered to push back. A few people said the tone felt unloving, even if unintentionally so, and that it came across as argumentative rather than winsome.

Let’s be clear: I’m not accusing you of being racist or fascist. But it seems like the narrative being implied, particularly online, could be experienced as unempathetic by those with a different perspective. That’s where it starts to feel problematic. This is complicated, and nuance really matters right now.

I fear that continuing in this direction could sabotage trust. Some people are already saying they feel this may be disqualifying for you in leadership, especially as it seems, at least in their perception, that only certain voices are being enabled while others feel marginalized. And as you know, it takes time to rebuild trust once it’s been strained. That’s not healthy for the community long-term.

I hesitate to say this, but there’s a growing sense that the approach lacks pastoral sensitivity, especially in this moment. Your language seems at odds with the gospel-centered focus of our church. In particular, it comes off in a way that many find harsh rather than helpful.

This isn’t about issuing a mandate or questioning your calling. But some are quietly wondering about being qualified for this moment, especially given the optics and the current climate. Maybe just take a break from being online so much?

Obviously, there is sin on both sides, of course. None of us gets this perfectly right. I’m lamenting the situation more than anything, because I want us to bring the temperature down, not escalate it. I truly believe stepping back for a moment could help rebuild trust and prevent further unhealth.

I hope you can receive this charitably and not as an attack. My goal is unity, safety, and healing for you and for everyone impacted by this moment.

I look forward to chatting about this over coffee sometime soon.

Grace and peace,

A Terrible Person Many of Us Have Dealt With

I now have PTSD.

How to Seek a Meeting With Your Pastor

Helpfully, he followed up with this by offering some counsel on helpful ways to approach your pastor, or anyone, with an issue you need to work through.

My general approach is to keep it very short. I say plainly why I want to meet, in as few words as possible, and then offer some flexibility on time and place.

I despise sneak attacks. If they don’t want to meet or they dodge accountability, at least it won’t be for lack of clarity from me.

In my experience, people are more likely to respond when you remove the mystery, clarity lowers anxiety. I also don’t mind giving them time to think through the issue ahead of time. I’d prefer it. Come prepared.

Just be plainspoken and upfront.

Christians are often like porcupines When they get close, they poke each other. Conflicts, issues, disagreements, and misunderstandings will arise if you are in a meaningful a community or have relationships you care about. When they do, be charitable, clear, and courageous. Deal with the issue promptly, personally, plainly, and patiently.

It will bless your pastors and everyone else and help them avoid ulcers along the way.