A Pilgrim's Friend

Graduation is coming. You’re growing up. And while diplomas and tassels are cool, they’re nothing compared to the kind of person you are and, more importantly, the person you’re becoming. High school may be ending, but the stakes are rising. The decisions you make in the next few years will shape who you are for decades. So, from someone a bit further down the road, here are some lessons that have helped me along the way. I hope they serve you just as well.

Worship Through School

If you see school as a means to get good grades, get into a good college, land a good career, and earn a goodly paycheck, you’ve become an idolater. You’ve turned education into a mechanism to serve the empty and cruel god who goes by many names—money, reputation, power, pleasure—but whose real name is “Self.”

Beloved, you were not made to bear an image of your own making but to reflect the glorious Image of the One who made you. School is not about propping up a janky, self-serving vision for your life. It’s a gift from God meant to form you—to help you think more wisely, feel more deeply, and live more humanly. To be like Him.

School is too long, too hard, and too important to have it end only in a GPA, an acceptance letter, or a paycheck. God is too good to waste those years and tears on something so small. Like Paul says, “Whether you eat or drink (or attend class or do homework), do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31).

Doing school like a pagan will reap a stunted life at best. Studying like a Christian will have you better enjoying God, imitating Him, and loving others like he does; all of this abounding in joy. For your own happiness and God’s sake, be a Christian at church and at school. Worship through songs and study.

Don’t Go to College If You Don’t Have a Plan

Who starts a road trip without a destination? Why jump on a road when you’ve no idea where it leads? College is excellent preparation for something. If you don’t know what that “something” is, figure it out first.

Instead of wasting time and money for the appearance of progress (and acquiring a mountain of debt), make actual progress. Get a job. Learn what you enjoy and what you detest. Gain valuable experience, grow your understanding of yourself, and figure out what certain jobs are actually like, not just what you imagine.

Could you figure all that out in college? Sure, but at a far greater cost in time, money, and missed experience. Woe to the student who earns a degree only to land a job they hate and switch to a career they could’ve started years earlier.

Especially if you want to be a mom, go into a trade, or start a business, consider a different road than college and work toward those worthy vocations. The student with an aim hits the target faster, better, and cheaper than the aimless freshman.

Choose the Hard Thing

Comfort is poison. The best things in life are hard won. If you chase the easy life, you’ll end up with a hard one. But if you pursue the hard life, you’ll find lasting joy.

Do the hard thing. Don’t run from the fire, run to it. When trials come, see them as training from God, meant to grow you, train you, toughen you, and make you stronger like Jesus (James 1:2–4). Though hard seasons seem like hindrances, they’re designed to help. Embracing hard things grows your gratitude, builds resilience, and shapes you into someone who may get knocked down but never knocked out.

Comfort is a great byproduct, but a terrible pursuit. Get comfortable with discomfort. Put your hand to the plow.

You’re Not an Animal, So Don’t Act Like One

As you graduate, you’ll be invited—and expected—to indulge in your base urges and chase empty pleasures. Drunkenness, fornication, debauchery. Like animals, many of your peers will live to satisfy their urges and think little of their character.

But you’re not an animal. And you won’t be happy if you live like one.

You have a mind; grow it. A soul; feed it. A moral character; chisel virtue into it. You have responsibilities; fulfill them.

Birds aren’t happy pretending to be fish. Worms are miserable acting like lions. Humans will only be happy when they live like humans—made in the image of God.

Learn the Bible Like Your Life Depends on It—Because It Does

You were made by God and for God. You won’t understand life without learning about it from him in his Word. Thankfully, he isn’t silent. God has spoken clearly and lovingly and at great length. His book is big because his love is big.

Commit to the Book. Read it widely. Study it deeply. Listen to your pastors teach it and your church sing it. Memorize it. Meditate on it. Think, feel, and act according to it. Trust it. Obey it. “The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul” (Psalm 19:7). “Blessed is the one who delights in the law of the Lord and meditates on it day and night” (Psalm 1:2). If you run in the dark, expect broken toes. So turn on the light.

Choose Your Teachers Carefully

Marcus Aurelius once praised his grandfather for keeping him from public schools and providing him with excellent teachers, saying, “On such things a man should spend liberally.”

The people who shape your mind and heart matter. Choose your teachers wisely. Be picky. Don’t ask, “Are they entertaining, popular, or politically correct?” Ask, “Are they good? Are they true? Are they wise?”

Whether at home, in your books, in your feed, or in your ears: choose carefully. You will be discipled. You just get to choose by whom.

Choose Your Friends Carefully

You will become who your closest friends are. “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20).

J.C. Ryle once wrote:

“Be very careful in your choice of friends. Do not open your heart to someone just because they are clever, kind, or agreeable. These are good things—but not enough. Never be satisfied with a friend who will not be useful to your soul.”

Since iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:14), learn to ask: What kind of friend am I? A sponge who never challenges? A sword who wounds more than helps? Or a stone—someone who sharpens others? What kind of friends will I choose?

Faithful friends are sharpeners. Choose them. Be one.

Join a Local Church and Call Them Family

If you’re in Christ, you’ve been adopted into a family. Don’t live like an orphan. Belong to a local church. Get spiritual moms to nurture you, spiritual fathers to lead you, and spiritual siblings to support you and serve. Don’t sever yourself from Christ’s body. Get connected.

Yes, do Bible studies and devotionals. But don’t skip the regular, messy, embodied, beautiful life of the local church. Don’t just attend—belong. Serve and be served. Know and be known. Love and be loved just like Christ commands you.

Wolves don’t mess with buffalo that stick with the herd. But the lone one? Lunch.

Membership in Christ’s body isn’t just spiritual—it’s practical and necessary to enjoy the full life Christ offers. Even during college. The church is God’s family. So find one and live like family.

Control Your Emotions

Emotions can tell you what’s going on inside you—but they don’t always tell the truth about the world around you.

Train your emotions to follow truth, not lead it. Stop saying, “I feel,” when you mean, “I think.” Learn to control your emotions instead of letting them control you.

Emotions are wonderful passengers, but terrible drivers.

Your Life Will Be Shaped by What You Do—Not by What Happens to You

You can’t control your circumstances. But you are always responsible for how you respond.

Some people with great circumstances turn out miserable. Some with hard lives turn out joyful. What’s the difference? Character. Response. Trusting God controls everything you don’t and focusing only on the things you do.

Chuck Swindoll put it well: “Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.”

Don’t focus on what’s out of your control. I am sorry to promise you that bad things will happen and bad times will come. You can’t control them, but you always can control how you think about and respond to them. Focus on what’s in your hands. Do the next right thing. Live faithfully. God’s got the rest.

See Dating as a Road, Not a Destination

Dating is not the goal. Marriage is. Dating is the road that helps you determine whether marriage with this person is possible and wise. Dating is a clarity seeking mission aimed for a joyful marriage. Don’t confuse the two.

So date with purpose. Seek clarity, not just companionship. Don’t date to feel warm and fuzzy or to avoid being alone. Date to discern the answer to this question, “Am I willing to give my whole life to create a family with this person?”

Date in a way that makes sense if you marry—and doesn’t leave a trail of regret if you don’t.

Don’t Be Careless About Debt

“The borrower is slave to the lender” (Proverbs 22:7). Debt steals your freedom to give, grow, and serve others.

Before taking on debt, ask: Why do I want this? Is it worth it? Is it necessary? Will I be able to pay it off in the foreseeable future? Those questions count for colleges, cars, and credit cards.

If the answer is unclear, pause. Wait. Seek counsel. Don’t let pride or pressure push you into a burden you don’t need to carry. Not all debt is bad and it can be taken on wisely, but count the cost.

Wisdom waits. Foolishness rushes in.

Start Investing in the Market Now

Time is your greatest financial ally. Proverbs 13:11 says, “Whoever gathers money little by little makes it grow.” Mark my words: you and your family will be far happier if you spend your younger years investing for future needs rather than carelessly spending on present trivialities.

Start small, but start now. Even $50 a month in a basic index fund can yield surprising returns over time. For example, if you invest just $100 a month starting at age 18, earning an average 8% return, you’ll have over $18,000 by age 28 (after only putting in $12,000 of your own money). Imagine what happens if you invested more over time and keep going. You don’t need to get rich quick. You just need to start.

While your peers spend it all, build habits that lead to freedom so you can better give, serve, and build for the long haul.

Remember Always: God Is Better Than His Stuff

The great lie is that creation is better than the Creator. That pleasure, wealth, status, or success will satisfy you. But they won’t. Jim Carrey once said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous… so they can see that it’s not the answer.” He’s right. Now contrast that with King David: “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11). God is, indeed, much better than his stuff.

Don’t settle for lesser things. Enjoy creation, but worship the Creator. Your heart was made for Him. It won’t rest until it rests in him.

Dear one, you’re growing up. So am I. I’m no fountain of perfect wisdom, but these are truths that have guided me. May they guide you too, as you walk into adulthood with courage, clarity, and Christ at the center.

You’ve got one life. Make it count.

Non-believers’ favorite teaching of Jesus is, “Do not judge.” Whenever a Christian speaks about the goodness or badness of an idea, action, or choice, they’re ready to recite it from memory with all the earnestness and pomp of an old-school Bible-Thumping preacher.

The problem is Jesus doesn’t teach that.

Jesus on Judging

Far from forbidding judging others, Jesus and his Apostles command it. Consider:

In John 7:24, he instructs, “Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly,” urging righteous discernment.

In Matthew 18:15, he directs believers to confront a sinning brother, saying, “Go and point out their fault,” outlining the process of corrective judgment.

Jesus also warns in Matthew 7:15 to “watch out for false prophets,” requiring evaluation of others’ obedience to Scripture to discern the trustworthiness of their words.

Even in Matthew 7:1, where He says, “Judge not, lest you be judged,” Jesus is not prohibiting judgment but hypocritical judgment, illustrating in Matthew 7:4-5 that one must remove the “log” from their own eye so they can see clearly to help a brother with a “speck.”

This call to judge rightly isn’t just from Jesus—Paul echoes it, urging believers to judge within the church to maintain its purity (1 Corinthians 5:12).

Jesus is against hypocritical, undiscerning, and ill-founded judgments, but he clearly calls believers to judge with fairness and wisdom to uphold the truth and protect themselves and the church.

Defining Our Terms

Why are so many confused about this? The problem lays in incorrectly defining the word “judge.” In today’s normal use, the word judge means to look down on or condescendingly evaluate someone. This understanding of judgment is obviously wrong and the passages above show Jesus think so too. However, the definition of the word judge is to form an opinion or conclusion about something. If you see a man with a gun in hand in public you judge him dangerous and call the police. If you enjoy a conversation and think someone kind, you’ve judged them. When a friend is crying you judge them in need of your care. Judgments are decisions. Understanding this definition gives us some helpful insights.

Judging is neutral. Judging itself is not inherently right or wrong. How and why you judge determines its morality.

Judging is unavoidable. Whenever you make decisions based on what you hear or see, you are judging. Every hour, you make judgments.

Judging is important. The decisions you make have an enormous influence on the kind of life you live. Your soul, your family, your church, and your life hang upon the soundness of your judgments.

Judgments can be good or bad depending on the criteria and motive, but they are not inherently wrong; they’re unavoidable and important. Everyone makes judgments about everything.

Judge Correctly

Some fear judging lacks love or humility, but Jesus shows it embodies both when aimed at restoration and grounded in truth. As quoted above, Jesus says, “Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly” (John 7:24). The question, then, is not, “Should I judge?” but “How am I judging?”

Here are three necessary aspects of godly, correct judgment.

(1) Correct Judgment Is Based on Truth

Godly judgment is based what we see in life by the light of God’s Word, not our fleeting opinions, emotions, preferences, biases, or sinful tendencies. It’s discerning what people say and do in the light of God’s standard (Matthew 7:15-20).

(2) Correct Judgment Is Made with Humility

How easy it is to have 20-20 vision of other peoples’ sins while being blind to our own! Godly judgment can only be made with humble and honest self-examination. If we don’t examine our own sin correctly, how could we possibly help others with theirs? Matthew 7:5 warns to remove your own “log” before pointing out another’s speck. It’s a clear-eyed judgment unblinded by self-defending pride.

(3) Correct Judgment Is for the Sake of Love

Love for God and others is the driving motive of godly judgment, not pride or prejudice. It’s aim is restore or protect, not ruin or insult. Jesus urges Christians to confront the sin of their fellow church members to “gain your brother” (Matthew 18:15). Paul tells believers they are to judge those within the church (1 Corinthians 5:12) in order that they may be “saved on the day of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 5:5). Correct judgment is a redemptive act to heal believers from soul-killing sin (Matt. 18:15; 1 Corinthians 5:1-5), protect the purity church (1 Corinthians 5:6-7), and thus magnify the glory of God. Correct judgment is not prohibited because of love, it’s fueled by it.

Our world is filled with “dangers, toils, and snares.” If we are wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16) in our judgments (that is, our opinions or conclusions about what we see or hear), then we’re in danger, of little use to those we love, and open to all Satan’s deceptive schemes.

Beloved, judge well.

Edited from a sermon delivered to Chino Valley Community Church men’s gathering on Saturday, May 3, 2025

In a world clouded by confusion about identity, the question “What is a man?” often elicits blank stares or shallow stereotypes. As believers, we don’t need to wrestle with cultural fog. Instead, we ask a better question: What kind of man does God call me to be?

Why This Matters

The stakes are high when it comes to the question of manhood. Counterfeit versions of manhood abound. It seems we’ve just as much to unlearn as we do to learn. Also, men dramatically shape their health and culture of their homes, churches, and communities—for better or worse. For example, consider the contrast between the family legacies of the criminal Max Jukes and the godly pastor Jonathan Edwards. After scholars studied multiple descendants from both men, here is what they found:

Max Jukes’ generational legacy included 60 thieves, 190 prostitutes, 150 other convicts, 310 beggars, and 440 individuals ravaged by alcohol addiction, with 300 dying prematurely.

Jonathan Edwards’ legacy included one U.S. Vice-President, one dean of a law school, one dean of a medical school, three U.S. Senators, three governors, three mayors, 13 college presidents, 30 judges, 60 doctors, 65 professors, 75 military officers, 80 public office holders, 100 lawyers, 100 clergymen, and 285 college graduates.”

A man’s influence is generational. Men, as bearers of God’s image alongside women, are called to reflect His glory in a distinctly masculine way. (1 Corinthians 11:7), then God being known and loved is directly affected by men knowing who we are and living that out.

So, again, what is a godly man? Thankfully, our Heavenly Father hasn’t left his sons without an answer. Through the words of the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5, we see a godly man knows his call, fulfills his responsibilities, and remembers his need.

1. Godly Men Know Their Call (Ephesians 5:1–2)

The world’s models of manhood—romantic conquests (bedrooms), wealth (billfolds), or athletic prowess (ballfields)—are shallow, misleading, and destructive. Men who imitate these models do little good and much harm to themselves, their families, and society. Instead, the Lord provides us a different model: himself. Ephesians 5:1–2 says:

“Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.”

God’s picture of godly manhood is given us definitively in Christ. His character, conduct, and concerns are the standards to measure ourselves by and model after.

Some may hesitate here and think, “Isn’t Jesus a bit soft?” Although Christian art often depicts Jesus as soft or effeminate, the Scriptures paint a different picture. J. Oswald Sanders wrote,

“There was nothing soft or effeminate about Jesus. He was the strong Son of God, strenuous and virile. He confronted hypocrisy with scathing denunciation, drove the money-changers from the temple, and stood erect and calm before Pilate. Yet He wept over Jerusalem, took little children into His arms, and was moved with compassion at human sorrow. No one ever feared that contact with Jesus would sap his manhood. He was the manliest of men.”

A simple reading of the gospels will demonstrate the truth Sanders noted. Not only was Jesus a man, but he was a manly man who avoided the twin distortions of emotionally stunted strength and weak emotionalism. He was a man who seamlessly blended strength with compassion, courage with intelligence, and labor with love. A man worthy of imitation.

Children who mimic their fathers teach us a valuable lesson. They don’t just listen to their dads, they watch them closely. In doing so, inch by inch and often without anyone noticing, they become like them. The lesson? We become who we behold. Rather than comparing ourselves to flawed cultural icons, God’s men heed the call to fix our eyes on Christ as he’s revealed in Scripture. By beholding Him we will become like him.

Understanding our call, godly men must now fulfill our responsibilities.

2. Godly Men Fulfill Their Responsibilities (Ephesians 5:22–6:4)

Scripture is clear that God created men and women equal in value but distinct in roles. Both equally important and importantly different. Men are uniquely called to lead in family and church, not out of superiority as a ruler, but in obedience as one with entrusted responsibility. In Scripture, this responsibility to lead is established at creation and reinforced throughout the rest of Scripture. Leadership for men at home and church isn’t decided by us, but designed by God. The question isn’t if men are leaders (they are), but whether they’re good or bad leaders.

What are they specifically responsible to lead?

A) You Are Responsible to Lead Your Wife (Ephesians 5:22–30)

Husbands are the “head of their wives as Christ is the head of the church (Eph. 5:23). They’re responsible to love their wives “as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25). This isn’t merely providing for their wife’s physical needs or pacifying their complaints—it’s sacrificing themselves for their wives’ good (Eph. 5:25), nurturing their wife’s holiness in Christ (Eph. 5:26-27), and selflessly and attentively caring for their wife’s needs as they do their own bodies (Eph. 5:28-30). If anyone is afraid of or upset at the idea of male headship, reread the responsibilities above. Biblical headship isn’t cruel tyranny, it’s sacrificial love. It is not about men getting, but giving; not about what’s owed, but what’s due; not about self-satisfaction, but giving ourselves for the satisfaction of another. Misogyny? Primitive, woman-belittling chauvinism? I think not.

Now, some husbands may object, “But you don’t know my wife, she is difficult!” Frankly, that’s irrelevant. Our wife’s receptivity, response, difficulty, or immaturity may make our jobs more or less difficult, but it doesn’t erase our responsibility. Remember, Jesus didn’t wait for the church to be “lovely” before loving her (Romans 5:8), but he loved her to make her lovely. Go and do likewise.

B) You Are Responsible to Lead Your Children (Ephesians 6:1–4)

As the head of the home, fathers are uniquely (though not exclusively) responsible for their children’s spiritual growth. Ephesians 6:4 instructs, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This cuts to the heart of men’s selfish tendencies to dodge or delegate this duty to others (e.g. our church, youth ministry, wives, kids’ mentors, or schools). Children are a father’s “first sheep”. While a wife is a vital Helper, the father remains the accountable Head to disciple them in the Lord.

This responsibility involves two important works.

First, Fathers Must Avoid Tearing Down Their Kids

First, Paul warns fathers that they must not tear their children down (6:4). It is easy for fathers to carelessly anger their children through excessive criticism, ignoring their concerns, or imposing arbitrary rules (“eleventh commandments”) the Lord doesn’t assign them. Though easy to drift into, these tendencies foster resentment and negatively affect a father’s ministry to his children. If you are personally unaware of how you may needlessly upset your children, ask your wife, “Are there things I do that anger the kids?” I am sure she’ll help.

Second, Fathers Must Work to Build Up Their Kids

Paul points out two ways a father goes about this work. First, he is to discipline his children. Like a coach, fathers are to formatively discipline their children to grow in wisdom and skill for life and correctively discipline their kids when they err. The first seeks to cultivate Christ-like virtues in our kids (justice, self-control, honesty, diligence, etc.) and the second seeks to correct unChrist-like vices (dishonesty, selfishness, disobedience, etc.). The first plants seeds in and the second pulls weeds out of our children’s character. In addition to discipline, fathers hold the mantle of teaching their kids the Word of God. This includes reading, explaining, and discussing the Scriptures and the truths of the faith. It involves modeling for our kids what a genuine, Christ-adoring Christian life looks like. Both a father’s words and his deeds – his teaching and his example – are essential for a child to understand the Word of God.

Cultivating our children’s behavior and beliefs is not the ultimately the responsibility of our church’s, youth groups, schools, or kid’s mentors; it is the father’s. Fathers, in teaching your children to keep their eye on the GPA, the academic resume, or the ball, do not neglect your primary duty to help them keep their eye on Christ in all of life.

It may help to note that though these two responsibilities focus on the roles of husband and father, being a godly man does not require having a wife or children (although most men are called to such a ministry). The heart expressed in these roles—sacrificial love, faithful stewardship, and leading others toward Christ—can be applied by any man at any stage. A single man can embody these by serving his church, mentoring others, or caring for family and friends with the same selfless devotion. Godliness flows ultimately from a heart aligned with God’s will, not from specific life circumstances.

C) You Are Responsible to Love Your Church (Ephesians 5:25)

Ephesians 5:25 is famous for instructing husbands to love their wives like Christ loves the church, but men must not forget to love the church like Christ loves the church! What would your relationship with someone look like if they hated or were ambivalent to the well-being of your wife? What then of our relationship with Jesus if we dismiss or reject his bride, the church? Instead, like the men of Nehemiah’s day were called to build and protect Jerusalem (God’s beloved city) so God’s men today are to fill their church’s gaps with service—teaching, helping, or mentoring— and fortify the church with their strength. Godly men are not merely consumers or critics of the church, but construction workers who labor for her good.

Godly men know their call and fulfill their responsibilities. What is the last instruction for those wanting to be God’s men?

3. Godly Men Remember Their Need (Ephesians 2:8–10)

Not long ago I watched a video online of a man teaching another man’s son how his misbehavior and folly affected his father. He told the boy to get on his father’s back as he did push ups. As the father slowly grew tired, arms shaking, and barely able to push up any longer, he explained to the son that his folly put more weight on his father’s already burdened back. The scene was a powerful lesson not only of a son’s responsibility, but of the weight that all fathers carry. Their wife, their kids, and their community burden their shoulders every day they wake up.

The call to godly manhood is weighty.

After hearing this high call, you may feel you’ve failed or will inevitably fail in the role God has called you. Let me be clear, you have and you will. But, dear brothers, remember this in all you do: your strength isn’t in your skill or perfection—it’s in Christ. Ephesians 2:8–10 reminds:

By grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

In the face of your shortcomings, sins, and inadequacies do not hide, minimize, or ignore your guilt. But grab it in full, walk to the cross of Christ and drop all of it there and leave it for dead, for that is where it dies. Then, as you stand in the glorious shadow of the cross, look to Christ to teach, lead, and strengthen you for the work he’s created and saved you to know for the good of others and the glory of His precious name. God’s men aren’t driven by fear, comparison, or worldly standards. They’re fueled by daily grace, as fresh as morning coffee. Men, you have a weighty call, but praise God, you have a worthy Savior.

Sons of the King

C.S. Lewis’ The Horse and His Boy captures the essence of godly leadership pictured above. King Lune tells his son, the king-in-waiting:

“For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land… [to] laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”

Brothers, you are sons of the King of Kings. By God’s grace, the Spirit’s power, and the church’s support, live like it. Take courage and be the first in every desperate attack. Fulfill your responsibilities even if you’re the last one left. Rejoice loudly along the way because you know the True King has already won.

Throw off the distorted models of manhood in the world and be God’s man. Know your role, fulfill your responsibilities, and remember the gospel.