If you would like to ensure your life is a curse to all people around you, then diligently study and obey this chapter of Converbs. To help you understand and apply these precious truths, I have supplied you with studied commentary.
So, my child, if you want to be a nuisance to those around you; if you hope to a reason for the grieve and sorrow of your family and friends; if you hope to live a fruitless and foolish life, give me your ear and give me your heart. Bind these sayings around you neck and never forsake them and you will become like a mighty skunk living by streams of the sewer, whose scent does not fade, but is poignant in season and out.
“Don’t Seek the Counsel of Other People.” Converbs 1:1
Caring about or looking for the counsel of others implies that you don’t have all the answer or that you could possibly make stupid or harmful decisions. Since you know that’s definitely not true, don’t act like it. Trust your own understanding and not the understanding of others. Lots of counselors only brings confusion and inconvenience so just do the right thing and trust your own feelings and thoughts (Proverbs 11:14; 24:6).
“Listen Only to Those Who Affirm You.” Converbs 1:1
The only important voices to listen to and celebrate are those that affirm what you already believe. Anyone who doesn’t affirm your ideas or your choices obviously is not your friend and only wants to hurt you. Surround yourself with people who never challenge you, confront you, or disagree with you. Only your enemies will criticize you.
“All Things in Moderation! Especially the Church.” Converbs 1:3
Always remember that, though Jesus died to save the church (Acts 20:24), loves the Church as His Bride (Eph. 5:25), cares for the Church as His body (1 Cor. 12:27), and has adopted you into the Church (Gal. 4:6-7), it isn’t really that important or necessary. If you want, go to church when you feel like and maybe even give a little money here and then. But, don’t get close enough to allow people to start affecting your life (Hebrews 10:24). Give up the habit of meeting together as some are in the habit of doing (Hebrews 10:25). At best, be semi-churched. Try hopping around from church to church. Distrust the pastors and keep your distance from them; after all you don’t have obligations toward them and they’re not responsible for you (Hebrews 13:17). In fact, don’t see the church as a family that you are responsible for and accountable to. It is much better to view the church as a spiritual grocery store that you can visit every now and then, smile at the workers and fellow shoppers, gather up the things you want, and then leave with no thought or concern. Otherwise, they start messing with your life and, since you have it all together, you definitely don’t need that.
“Follow Your Feelings.” Converbs 1:4
Your feelings are not only strong, they are always right. So follow them and never distrust them. In fact, you should distrust anything or anyone that goes against what you feel; especially those pesky things called facts or friends. You should be filled with righteous anger against anyone who challenges or contradicts what you feel. As you know, your feelings have never once led you or anyone else astray, so why stop listening to them now? I feel silly even saying this because it is such a time-tested truth, but follow your heart (Disneyland 3:16)!
“Always Be Critical & Never Be Constructive.” Converbs 1:5
Unlike you, everyone else is mostly wrong, but doesn’t know it. So, you need to make sure that you are quick and consistent to point out the flaws of people or institutions around you. Don’t bother yourself to actually do something to help because that’s their responsibility (Eph. 4:29). You just make sure you are doing your part to help out those around you by pointing out everything that is wrong with them and the world. So many people are not brave enough to do so, so that job is left to you.
“Disrespect and Demonize People Who Disagree With You.” Converbs 1:6
When someone disagrees with you they’re basically dehumanizing you and trying to take away all your God-given rights. To say it short, disagreement is always and only a method of destruction. Anyone who disagrees with you or your ideas is essentially trying to murder you. So, therefore, it is of the utmost importance that you defend your right to life by disrespecting and demonizing anyone who disagrees with you. It is crucial that everyone else understands that to believe what they believe automatically shows they’re not worthy of respect and that they probably are actual demons – fallen angels doing Satan’s work. Never be civil with them. Go only for their throat.
“Never Apologize for Something When Your Intentions Were Right.” Converbs 1:7
Sometimes, because people are stupid, they get offended by things you do or say. And sometimes, people are so mean, instead of bottling up their feelings, they actually try to hurt you by telling you how you hurt them. When this happens, be humble and say you are sorry they feel the way they do, but they actually should not be hurt because your intentions were right. After all, it doesn’t matter that your actions hurt them if you didn’t mean to. How could anyone expect you to apologize for what you’ve done when that’s not want you intended? You cannot be held responsible for your actions! Ridiculous. So, explain to them that though your actions hurt them, it’s not your fault because your heart was right. That will help them understand their hurt feelings are they’re fault and not yours. This is hard work, but it will help the other person know that you’re not the problem, but they are.
“Attack People Who Challenge or Confront You With Your Sin or Folly.” Converbs 1:8
Here, the Converbist repeats the theme raised in Converbs 1:6, but extends it beyond people who disagree with our ideas to those who actually confront us about our actions. Obviously, these people are not your friends because friends would never raise an issue that could hurt your feelings. Friends would never say you do anything wrong. Friends are those who affirm you and celebrate all you. They should always and only make you feel good. So, when someone says you have done something foolish or sinful, they’re not your friend, but your enemy. Don’t listen to them, but defend yourself and attack them. Like we all know, your friends will only have kisses for you, but your enemies will wound you faithfully (Proverbs 27:6).
“Remember, You Are Always Right.” Converbs 1:9
Trust in the Lord with all your and lean hard on your own understanding too (Proverb 3:5-6). You know you’ve never made a mistake or done anything wrong in your life. You know, better than anyone, that you’ve never been genuinely wrong about anything in your past so why should you distrust yourself in the present? So, never doubt yourself or your ideas or your choices. Do not trust the Holy Spirit working through other people, only the Holy Spirit working in you! When contradicted, reject your pastor’s counsel, your friends words, and your families pleas because you are always right and could not possibly be wrong! Again, as we all know, “Believe in yourself” (1 Oprah 14:6).
“In the Church, Die on the Hill of Your Preferences.” Converbs 1:10
The Church is a place where we must make sure all our preferences are met exactly how we want them to be. If they’re not, it is our duty to either raise hell about it until meet our preferences or leave. When the style of music they have isn’t to your taste; if the service time doesn’t allow you to enjoy your weekend in the way you want to; if the pastor isn’t as funny or engaging or emotional as you want him to be, then demand changes are made or leave! Make sure not to care too much about the little things like whether or not the Bible is faithfully taught or the gospel faithfully preached or whether or not holiness is pursued or the mission of making disciples obeyed. Making sure your individual preferences are met is far more important than those other silly and unimportant matters. Keep the main thing (your preferences) the main thing at your church.
“Be Vigilant About Other People’s Sins & Diligent to Proclaim Them.” Converbs 1:11
People around you need you to point out their errors and the errors of all the churches and institutions around you. Write long blog posts about how others are failing. Post often about why people are fools and why you, in particular, have the solution and answer for their and everyone else’s folly. Fill the Inter-Webs with your lofty and discerning wisdom; especially when people haven’t asked for it because they obviously need it the most. From time to time, you may be tempted to look at your own sins and confess them, but be strong and reject that urge. After all, if you stop pointing out and proclaiming the sins of those around you, who else will? So, serve others well by ensuring you ignore your own sins to pay attention to theirs.
“Never Forgive People Who’ve Hurt You.” Converbs 1:12
When someone hurts you or sins against, make them pay. Ensure they know and deeply feel their error by ignoring them, shunning them, speaking about them behind their backs, or just by attacking them head on. Hold onto all your grudges because they’ll energize you to keep moving on in healthy directions. Plant bitterness deep in your heart so you bear fruits of love and joy (Eph. 4:30). After all, it’s God’s job to forgive, not ours (Eph. 4:31). How could God possibly tell us to forgive those who’ve sinned against us? He doesn’t know what it’s like to be sinned against greatly or, even more, how impossible it is to forgive people who’ve wronged you (Eph. 2:1-10; 4:31; Romans 3:21-26; 5:8-9; Titus 3:3-8). So, make sure you’re thankful that God forgave all your small sins against Him, but don’t think you should then be forced to forgive all the other people’s enormous sins against you (Matthew 18:21-35). Also, be thankful God never tells us to forgive others.